Jokes

dont no if this quite applies cos its a visual joke, but here goes...

Two Essex girls pick up a perfume sample from the counter..........

Sharon sprays it on her wrist....

" That's nice innit, don't you think Trace ? "

" Yeah..Wot's it called ? "

' VIEN A MOI ! '

" Wot the f**k does that mean Shaz ? "

The assistant pipes up..." It's French for COME TO ME "

Shaz sniffs again.....

" Don't smell like come to me .......Does it to you Trace.....? "
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Police in Liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 well known Scouse Islamic terrorists: Bin Snortin, Bin Dealin and Bin Thievin. There was no sign of Bin Workin.

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Bloke gets a £20 note tattooed on his cock because he likes to watch his money grow and also to see how quick his wife could blow it!

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What does a dwarf get when he runs through a womans legs? A flap across the face, a crack on the head and a clit around the ear!

654321 Wrote:Two Essex girls pick up a perfume sample from the counter..........

Sharon sprays it on her wrist....

" That's nice innit, don't you think Trace ? "

" Yeah..Wot's it called ? "

' VIEN A MOI ! '

" Wot the f**k does that mean Shaz ? "

The assistant pipes up..." It's French for COME TO ME "

Shaz sniffs again.....

" Don't smell like come to me .......Does it to you Trace.....? "
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Police in Liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 well known Scouse Islamic terrorists: Bin Snortin, Bin Dealin and Bin Thievin. There was no sign of Bin Workin.

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Bloke gets a £20 note tattooed on his cock because he likes to watch his money grow and also to see how quick his wife could blow it!

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What does a dwarf get when he runs through a womans legs? A flap across the face, a crack on the head and a clit around the ear!

LMAO at those ones

Tennis Balls

One day while out jogging a middle-aged man noticed two tennis ball lying by the side of the road. Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way. Waiting at the next junction for the lights to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him smiling.

"What are those big bulges in your running shorts?" she asked.

"Tennis balls!" the man said smiling back.

"Wow," said the blonde looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis *elbow* and the pain was unbearable!"

Commentary Bloopers

Lloyd did what he achieved with that shot
Jack Bannister

Diane - keeping her head beautifully on her shoulders
Ann Jones

That shot he's got to obliterate from his mind a little bit
Mark Cox

And here's Zivojinovic, six foot six inches tall and fourteen pounds ten ounces
Dan Maskell

Zivojinovic seems to be able to pull the big bullet out of the top drawer
Mike Ingham

If she gets the jitters now, then she isn't the great champion that she is
Max Robertson

McEnroe has got to sit down and work out where he stands
Fred Perry

martina, she's got several layers of steel out there like a cat with nine lives
Viginia Wade

Chip Hooper is such a big man that it is sometimes difficult to see where he is on the court
Mark Cox

Those two volleys, really could be the story of this match summed up at the end of it
Barry Davies

He's got his hands on his knees and holds his head in despair
Peter Jones

The Gullikson twins here. An interesting pair, both from Wisconsin
Dan Maskell

These ball boys are marvellous. You don't even notice them. There's a left handed one over there. I noticed him earlier
Max Robertson

...and when Chrissie is playing well I always feel that she is playing well
Anne Jones

It's quite clear that Virginia Wade is thriving on the pressure now that the pressure on her to do well is off
Harry Carpenter

When Martina is tense it helps her relax
Dan Maskell

We haven't had any more rain since it stopped raining
Harry Carpenter

Lendl has remained throughout as calm as the proverbial iceberg
Dan Maskell

Billie Jean King, with the look on her face that says she can't beieve it... because she never believes it, and yet, somehow, I think she does
Maz Robertson

You can almost hear the silence as they battle it out
Dan Maskell

This is the third week the fish seem to be getting away from British tennis players
Gerald Williams

Strawberries, cream and champers flowed like hot cakes
Radio 2

She comes from a tennis playing family. Her father's a dentist
BBC 2

A posh lady board member is being shown around her new hospital by the Matron.

In the first room in the ward, she sees a patient furiously wanking in bed.

"Good Grief!" She exclaims, "That's disgusting! Why is that man wanking in bed?"

"Well," the matron explains, "that man has a rare disease which causes him to make too much semen. If he doesn't relieve himself five times a day, his testicles will explode!"

"Oh I see. That poor man," says the lady.

Moving on to the second room, they look in to see a patient being given a blow job by a nurse.

Shocked, the lady says "This is terrible, what's your explanation for this?"

"He's got the same condition as the first man," replies the matron, "but he's with BUPA."

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and

you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little
TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream The
second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is

biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the

wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
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what animal has a c*nt half way up its back male or female?

A police horse

an oldie but.......

A 50 year old woman goes into hospital for a bit of nip and tuck on the fanny lips to try and tighten things up a bit.
After coming around from the op she sees 3 bunches of flowers on the bedside cabinet. She stops a nurse and asks her who the flowers are from.
"Well" says the nurse, " the first bunch are from your husband, he said he can't wait to get you home and check you out!"
"The second bunch are from the surgeon, he got you some flowers because he said you were a model patient"
"Well who are the third bunch from?" the woman asked.
The nurse replied,"Oh they are from Fred on the burns unit....he said to thank you for the new ears!!"

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "
I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second.
"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"

A man comes home to his missus one day carrying a duck under one arm and says "Honey, this is the pig i've been shagging" "But thats a duck!" his wife protested. To which the man replied "I wasn't fucking talking to you!"