Jokes

I've just heard that next season Spurs will be sponsored by Viagra?

Because they can't get past a semi.

My Wife says, I am addicted to football stadiums and she's going to divorce me.

"On what grounds?", I said.

My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with plants.

I asked “Where’s this stemming from petal?”

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

Just replaced the water in my fish tank with Lilt.

Looks totally tropical now.

The wife said she was feeling light-headed from a low iron level.

To help her, I've raised the ironing board to a more suitable height.

My new girlfriend just found out that I'm 42.

She said, "You told me that you were 28 and a half!"

I said, "I am if you think about it."

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.


And then I saw her face...

I know this is a Joke site, but I'm asking people to wish me luck. I'm on my way to speak to the Bank Manager, and if things work out for me, my life will be drastically changed...... I'm talking millions of pounds here!
I am so excited, I can barely get the stocking over my head!!

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.
'You have no arms !'
'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
'Bishop, who was this man ?'..
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,

WAIT FOR IT………..!!!...................






' ........... BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'
WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more……
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.
'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but....'
. . . Wait for it …………



'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER !