Jokes

I was in the pub last night and this girl rolled her eyes at me. I picked them up and rolled them back.

I was attacked by a power drill recently, I was just standing there minding my own business then... BOSCH it hit me



A little girl loses her mum in Asda and is sobbing her heart out. A security guard asks the little girl 'what's your mum like?'
'Big cocks and vodka' replies the little girl.



Quasimodo went to his doctor.
' How can I help you,' asked the doctor.
' I just don't feel right,' replied Quasimodo
' OK,can you take off all your clothes and we'll try to find out what's wrong. ' said the doctor.
Quasimodo took off ten vests,eight shirts and fourteen jumpers.
' When was the last time you took off all your clothes? ' asked the doctor.
' When I was at school, ' replied Quasimodo.
' Did you never wonder what happened to your school bag,' replied the doctor!!..



My girlfriend told me she'd slept with seven people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late!



Chris Eubank has just written a book about Ethics.

If it's a success his next one will be about Kent.

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I see her wun awound?"

The head of the Cotswold hedgehogs went to see the head of the local rabbits for some help.
"Hey rabbit, wonder if you can help us", he said
"I'll be glad to try, Spikey", said the Rabbit.
"The thing is, like it is now, at night, we are losing far too many fellow hogs to those devilish machines with bright eyes that move like thunder along the smooth black walkways... I was wondering, your species seem to be very good at dodging them, you never seem to get squashed".
"Aaah" said Briar, "I will tell you how we do this, and come with me now and we will demonstrate the technique to your tribal members". Looking pleased, the hedgehog gathered his inner circle together and they walked the short distance with the rabbit to the A419, nearby.
"Now", said Rabbit, "this is what you do... If you see those two bright lights heading towards you as you are crossing the road, just make sure you sit down right in between the two of them - then you will be fine".
Just to prove it, the rabbit ran into the road in front of a speeding car, and to the shocked hedgehogs' delight emerged unscathed and rejoined the group.
Spikey was keen to demonstrate the new technique so as soon as the next pair of lights appeared he ran into the road and squatted down between the lights...

There was a nasty squelching noise and the hedgehogs turned to look at rabbit...who said,
"Blimey, you don't see many Reliant Robins around these days do you".

A man checks into his hotel on a business trip and, feeling a bit lonely, he thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
He looked in a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Eroveronique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line

The condition of the man who was mauled at the Teddy bear's picnic is said to be improving but he's not out of the woods yet!

Yesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships? Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer.

Took my goldfish to the chip shop and asked 'do you sell fish cakes?'

'Yes' they replied.

Great because it's his birthday.

My mate hates it when I put his chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers. It gets his Snickers in a Twix.

I'm sick of people knocking on my door begging. Theres just been a woman asking for donations for a sperm bank - I gave her a right mouthful!

Have YOU had to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more? You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers now!