Jokes

Mobile phones nowadays are so expensive when you fall over and hear a crack sound you pray it's your leg!

Having a massage.... Lady said "Any Extras?" I said "No, get your own chewing gum"

Whilst cooking today I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes. I'm now parsley sighted.

Anyone else think its strange how really sexy women drive cute little cars.

Which reminds me, the M.O.T.'s due on the wife's Transit.

Just got my dream Job!, I start next Monday.

Window cleaner in Amsterdam.

Took the shell off my racing snail.. Thought it might speed him up.. If anything, it made him more sluggish.

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it's responsible.

If you do that with your other half it's called cheating.

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favourite sex position. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*t's, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"