Jokes

I've just been offered a job as an adult movie director!

I told them where to shove it.

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a chicken.

Met a girl dressed as an egg.

A question as old as time was answered.

The chicken.

What sort of bee produces milk?
A boo bee!

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!

Why did the tampon have a piece of holly on it?
It was for the Christmas period!

When I see lovers names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think it’s strange how many people take knives on a date.

I met my wife at speed dating.

She was livid.

I came home to find a post-it on the fridge door. It read "This isn't working, I'm leaving you."

I opened the door, beer was cold, it seemed fine to me.

This actually happened to an Englishman, in France, who was totally drunk.
A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malt scotches there-after.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to breath test the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed completely hammered.
He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French law, he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with a bit of humour, "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and my wife is driving on the other side?

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It ain't my finger either".

Little Johnny and Little Mary went to school with each other since kindergarten. Every day they would sit in the playground and eat lunch together, and every day they would bring chicken sandwiches.
One day in high school, as per usual, Johnny and Mary sat in the playground for lunch, when Johnny notices Mary has brought peanut butter sandwiches instead of the usual chicken.
"Hey! What's the story Mary, for years we have had chicken sandwiches for lunch, why the big change all of a sudden?"
With that, Mary puts down her sandwiches, stands up, hikes up her tunic, pulls down her pink frilly's and says "Look at this! All that damn chicken has given me feathers!"
To which Johnny jumps up and pulls down his strides and replies "So you think that's bad!" "I've got the neck and giblets too!"

Little Johnny walks into his parents room and see his dad giving his mum one, his dad just laughs and throws a pillow at Johnny and shouts "get out"!
A little while later Johnny's dad hears a commotion coming from Johnny's room, he rushes in and is horrified to see Johnny shagging his gran..

Johnny just looks at him and says "not so fucking funny when its your mum is it"???