Jokes

Friday night and a teenage chavette wants to go out clubbing with her mates for the evening, so she goes downstairs to the living room and asks her Father if she can go out.

He's of an incestuous persuasion so says
"Yeah, you can go out....but I want a blowjob first".

The Daughters incredulous and replies "no way"

So, she stomps back upstairs to her room and is sitting there bored and after a while starts thinking 'maybe it wouldn't be so bad' so back downstairs she goes to her Father and agrees to his terms...

He's sitting there with his trousers round his ankles and she starts performing, when she looks up aghast and says..
"this tastes like shit"
to which her Father replies,
"Well, your brother wanted to go out as well"

Today I arrested a dyslexic robber.
He walked into a bank and said.
“Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!”

My wife said “It’d be nice if one day I came home from work & the housework was done!

” I said “Well, get up earlier & do it before you go!”

I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.

It reminds me why there’s no money in there.

My wife says she´s leaving me because of my obsession with Kylie Minogue.........I should be so lucky.

What’s the difference between prison and marriage?

In prison you get to finish a sentence.

Went to the sperm clinic earlier.

The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup?

I said 'I'm good but not ready for competition yet'

My girlfriend isn't talking to me as apparently I ruined her birthday.

Not sure how I did that!

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

Just seen this on Tinder...

'Blonde, 33 from London Great Personality 5ft 3 Green Eyes'

No wonder she's single. I mean, 3 green eyes!

I've found something my wife's bum doesn't look big in...

The distance!