Jokes

I’ve developed a taste for fabric conditioner.

My doctor says I’m fine, I’ve just been comfort eating.

A man goes to the doctor with hereditary diarrhoea.

The doctor says "there's no such thing"

The man says "well it's in my jeans"

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait no..It was a florist

I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday.

They don't make them like they're going to anymore

I found a wallet today, and as a good Christian I thought... 'What would Jesus do?' So I turned it into wine.

I went into a sex shop today.

I was really shocked to find out how much all my wife's vibrators cost!

She's been sitting on a small fortune!

My sister in law sat on my glasses and broke them.

I suppose it's my fault really, I should have taken them off first

I bought my wife some crotchless knickers for Halloween, nothing sexual, just to give her a better grip on her broomstick.

Success is like pregnancy...

Everyone congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

I'm sure my mate Dave is having an affair with my wife...

He's been proper miserable lately!

Q. What is the problem with twin witches?
A. You never know which witch is which!