Jokes

A lorry carrying snooker equipment has crashed on the M6.
The driver is under a rest and the cues are going back for miles.

Who is this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?

I called my dad from the shop saying I’d forgotten what orange juice he asked for. “Concentrate” he said, but I still couldn’t remember!

Two lesbians barged into the house & started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath
I tried to help but I could only knock one out

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits into your wife's clothes.

Just been to my local hospital and I saw a sign saying ‘Thieves Operate Here.’

Surely it would be safer to leave it to the Surgeons?

Quasimodo goes to the pub and says “Scotch whiskey please” Barman says “Bell’s alright?” Quasi says “Mind your own business.”

My girlfirend got confused and went to see a tree surgeon instead of a plastic surgeon. Mind you, she does have a very nice bush now.

I went to a legless disco last night.

It was crawling with fanny.

My girlfriend is temperamental.

50% temper.

50% mental.