Jokes

The Mrs has left me because I'm too insecure...

No, wait she's back...

She was just making a cup of tea.

My wife said "You'll never guess who I saw in town!"

"OK then" I said.

"I'll carry on watching the football"

My girlfriend has been working out a lot recently.

For instance, today she worked out that I've been shagging her sister.

My girlfriend said what would really be a nice birthday surprise was if I got her something to run around in.

So I bought her a tracksuit.

"Mum! I'm going out!"

You're not leaving this house until you change that miniskirt!!

"Why?"

Because I can see your balls, Richard.

I had a fight with a man on some moving stairs today..

It started at the bottom and just escalated from there.

Why do women think its ok to leave their bedroom curtains open when they are getting undressed, then start screaming "You pervert!", because you looked.

This happened to me last night, and I was that shocked, I almost fell out of the tree.

"Mummy, where do babies come from?"

"Well, daddies make sperm and put it inside mummies."

"Do mummies eat it?"

"Only if they want new shoes!"

Dad’s advice some years ago; “If you get into a fight in the pub, put a snooker ball in your sock.”

Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk!

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise.