Jokes

The world tongue-twister champion has just been arrested.

I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

My wife found my Viagra stash...

She's taking it really hard!

I approached a very beautiful woman in the supermarket and said..

“I’ve lost my wife here, can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

“Why?”

“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate then burn them.

Done, but I don't know what to do with the letters.

I met up with an old friend last night.

He asked 'So what you doing these days?'

I replied. 'I hand out clothes to poor people'.

'That's so charitable' he replied.

'Not really' I said. 'I work in Primark'

I went to the local pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if they sold Benylin?

'For cough?' he said

'Alright mate I only asked!'

The diagnosis wasn't good, he'd been given 6 months to live after discovering he had a rare genetic disorder known only as DXE-552.
He was distraught and looked to the game he loved, bingo, to help ease his suffering.
Over the course of the afternoon, he won every line, every full house, the regional and the national, he was looking at a take home of over £120,000 but he sat, emotionless, to the amazement of the entire building.
The manager made his way over to him and asked him, "Sir, why aren't you happy? You've won pretty much everything, you must be the luckiest man alive."
The man looked up at him with a tear in his eye and shouted "Lucky? Lucky? I've got DXE-552, how is that lucky?"
The manager didn't know what to say, he scrambled through his notepad for an answer, "Wow, I'm shocked" he replied "I honestly don't believe it, DXE-552, you've only gone and won the raffle as well"

A naive young man gingerly approached the pharmacy counter and quietly asked the elderly assistant "Could I have a box of condoms please?"
The assistant could see how shy and nervous he was, so she decided to play a little game with him and replied "Certainly sir, what size would you like?"
A look of shock came over the youths face "I didn't know they came in different sizes, how do I know which size I am?" he asked.
The assistant decided to have a bit more fun and continued "Oh don't be embarressed, you're young and it's only recently been introduced. We actually have an improvised measuring device at the rear of the building if you'd like to use it?"
The young man felt comforted by her kind words and agreed.
The assistant went on to explain they'd put up a simple fence panel with 3 different size holes cut out, representing the sizes available, she told him that if he felt comfortable, to excite himself, and see which hole it fit best and that it was a quick and private process.
As the young man left the store, the elderly assistant made her way through the back of the store and waited quietly behind the fence panel.
It wasn't long before a fully erect, youthful penis, made it through hole number two. She was impressed with his size and became very aroused. She seized the opportunity, popped her teeth out and began blowing the living daylights out of this young mans tackle.
It wasn't long until he finished and the assistant swiftly put her teeth back in, made herself presentable and headed back into the store to greet the young man.
As he walked back into the store with a beaming smile from ear to ear, he looked towards the assistant and she asked "So, everything okay? Do you know which size condoms you require?"
"Forget the condoms" he replied "How much do you want for that fence panel?"

I've never really cared for the neighbours, a bit too up themselves, we're better than you kind of thing. I've never done or said anything about it, kept myself to myself, exchanged pleasantries but nothing more.
That was until last week, I hear a knock at the door, it was them, the neighbours, all smiles, painting a pretty picture.
"Hi there, how are you? We noticed you recently decorating your hallway, mind if we ask how many rolls of wallpaper you bought?"
"Yeah sure, no worries, I bought 10" I replied
"Thank you, you're so kind" were the words they departed with.
Two days later they're knocking at the door again, "Hi again, sorry to trouble you. You told us you'd purchased 10 rolls of wallpaper and we have 4 left over"
I chuckled to myself and said "So did I"

I just got a job working in a full size cuckoo clock.

It's a bit dull but it gets me out of the house.