Jokes

BREAKING: Earthquake in Hull has just caused £5m worth of improvements.

I gave my wife £200 and told her to go out on Thursday and leave me in peace to watch the World Cup. "I won't need that much," she laughed. "You will," I said. "It's got to last you five weeks."

Harry Kane and the England team visited an orphanage in Russia yesterday. "It's heartbreaking to see their little faces with no hope" said Sergei, aged 5.

Just back from holiday in Thailand & I came close to shagging a ladyboy!

Looked like a lady, walked & talked like a lady, kissed like a lady.

It was only when she drove me to her place & reversed the car in the garage first time I thought to myself "Hang on a fucking minute..."

Yesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently 'in 4K' wasn't the correct answer.

My wife says i have to stop quoting Meatloaf.

But I won't do that.

Got pulled over by the police last night. He said, "Sir do you know your car was swerving all over the road?"

I replied, "Sorry officer but I've drunk ten pints up the pub and feel a bit pissed."

He said, "That's no excuse to let your wife drive!"

My wife says she’s leaving me as she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.

What fucking planet is she on?

I was telling a gorgeous woman in the coffee shop that I'd recently lost my wife.

She put her arms around me, cuddled my head on her breast and said, "It'll be alright."

"No, it won't," I replied, "She'll find me soon."

Husband: I think I’m having a heart attack.

Wife: Ok darling, give me your password to your phone n I’ll call an ambulance.

Husband: Never mind. I’m feeling better!!