Jokes

A white gal goes to the sex toy store and asks how much for a black dildo as she said she never tried one in that colour before.
The clerk says: "$35.00".
She buys it.
A black gal walks in and asks how much for a white dildo as she said she never tried one in that colour before.
The clerk says: "$35.00".
She buys it.
A blonde walks in and asks how much for the plaid dildo as she has never tried one like it before.
The clerk says: "$135.00".
She buys it.
The boss comes back from lunch and asks how sales were. He told him about the two and then says:
"And I sold your flask for $135.00".

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad,
where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got
it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was:
"Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk."
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end
of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the
ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

The barman said to me, "Why are you looking so sad?" I said, "Me and my wife had a massive argument and she said she won't talk to me for a month." He said, "What's wrong with that?" I said, "The f***ing month's up tomorrow."

Subject: Golf in Paradise
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen.

St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks during your first three months here.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, "The ducks?

"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band. It really breaks the tranquility, and if you hit one of the ducks, you'll be punished. Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy.”

Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere.
Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, "Who hit the duck?” The guy who had done it admitted, "I did.” St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks,", he said. Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.

He cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said; "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn't hit a duck.

St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman - the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, "I wonder what I did to deserve this?

The woman responds, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."

Something to do to keep the grey matter working and active. Read each question carefully.

1. Johnny's mother had three children.
The first child was named April.
The second child was named May.
What was the third child's name?

2. There is a guy at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole... that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language... is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

8. What was the President’s Name...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?






Here are the Answers: (No peeking!)



1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

Answer: Johnny, of course.

2. There is a guy at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You’re not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Donald Trump [Oh, come on ...]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.
************************************************************
3 IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.


Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.
************************************************************ *******************************************

TO ALL MY “INTELLIGENT” Folks.


Keep that brain working; try to figure this one out....

See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common?
1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess




Give it another try.
Look at each word carefully.
You'll kick yourself when you discover the Answer.





REMEMBER I ONLY SENT THIS TO MY SMART FOLKS.


NOW DON'T LET ME DOWN

No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters....

The answer is below!


Answer:

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backward, it will be the same word.

Did you figure it out?

My wife left me for another man.

All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out.

And while he's going through all that, I'll be in the pub with my mates every night.

To the guy who stole my antidepressants,

I hope you're happy now.

I walked in on my sister last night masturbating with a carrot.

Can you believe that?

I was going to fucking eat that later but now it'll just taste like carrots!