Jokes

Sometimes I hide my wife's inhaler...

The neighbours think I'm a stud when they hear her panting heavily "give it to me!"

Why is a divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

I was going to donate blood today but they ask waaaay too many personal questions.

Like, "who's blood is this?", and "why's it in a bucket?"

How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too.

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So the men can think about a solution in silence.

My wife came into the room with the most obscene looking, sexually unattractive thing I have ever seen in her hand and suggestively said "I'm going to stick this up there."

I said. "There's no fucking way a picture of your mother is going on that wall."

I was out walking when I saw a sweet little old lady sitting on her porch.

She smiled at me and asked me how I was.

It broke my heart to tell her to mind her fucking business.

My wife came home from work to find me sitting watching the football.

"I've decided I'm leaving you, all you do is talk about football you think about nothing else," she said. "I'm also seeing someone else truth be told."

"Really?" I replied. "What team does he support?"

A Traffic Warden's coffin was being lowered into the ground, and a voice comes from inside.

"Please help..I'm not dead..I'm not dead...Please let me out"

The vicar smiles...and leans over the casket and says.

"Too fucking late you twat...I've already done the paperwork."

As I looked at my wife in her coma, I said to the doctor, 'That's it. Turn off the machine, I've given up hope'.

'Sir', he replied 'Your wife has been in that coma for 6 minutes'.