Jokes

My friend donates a kidney to the hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested...

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant.

But apparently, it just changes the colour of the baby.

Fucking women... Wife has an Ann Summers party. They’re all playing around with dildos, beads and clit-ticklers. Apparently, I’m the weirdo for sitting there having a wank!

My new girlfriend really hates it when I use the words "dick head" and "twat".

So I've promised to make a real effort to learn her kids real names.

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.

If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

I gave myself a prostate exam earlier.

That's the last time I buy toilet roll from Lidl.

My stoner friend used a page of my agenda notebook to roll up his joint.

He is now high on my list of priorities.

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius...

But his brother Frank was a monster.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

The woman next to me on the roller coaster just wouldn't stop screaming!!

It's like she's never seen a penis before!