The Fanboy Lingo Phrasebook

As someone who aspires one day to be a fully-fledged fanboy, I thought I'd set up a translation thread documenting some of the essential fanboy phrases I've learned so far (along with their translations of course), and inviting others to provide their own insights...


PHRASE: I know I am but one fan among many and that I must mean very little to you.
TRANS: I genuinely believe you're going to marry me.

PHRASE: I'm sensing that you may now have received my letter and photo.
TRANS: I see you've left the country.

PHRASE: Never forget that I'm always here for you.
TRANS: Like you ever fucking could!

PHRASE: Babe! WOW!!! Thanks babe!! Can't believe you gave me a mention on Twitter today!!!
TRANS: I wonder what "sycophantic little rodent" actually means?

PHRASE: The attention I've paid to you over the past six months has always been based on a genuine appreciation of your talent and has never had anything to do with me thinking I could in some way end up boning the living crap out of you. But I feel now that the time has come for me to transfer my affections to another babe.
TRANS: What's all this about you being married?

PHRASE: It's funny I should read that you're interested in the Chinese Zodiac darling, because I've been working out what I believe your sign is. I've left my verdict on your blog, by the way...
TRANS: Brace yourself babe! I've just written "I think you are a dog." on the front page of your website.

PHRASE: Babe; I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.
TRANS: Yesterday you were on the day show, today you're on nights, and I've just seen your name down on tomorrow's encrypted lineup!!

PHRASE: I hear you're retiring at the end of the month babe...
TRANS: I love you more this month than I will next month, and the month after that it'll be a miracle if I can even remember your name.

PHRASE: What would you like for your birthday darling?
TRANS: Hope she doesn't say "A moment of fucking peace!" like last year.

PHRASE: I have tried and tried to fight it but I suppose I must now face the fact that I am very deeply in love with you.
TRANS: I've got a hard-on.


Right then, I'm off to find a nice babe with her own ready-made online shrine of extreme reverence and worship. Then I'm going to give her some of my lines and see how I get on. If you think of any more in the mean time, please post them. These few aren't gonna last me very long...

How did you get into my private message account?

Facebook fanboy translation shamelessly ripped off from "Simply Marko":

Quote:hi ***** hoping to talk to you tonight. you are so beautiful. shoes have been dispatched.love you loads. ****/ xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"shoes have been dispatched' - is that how they now say 'I shot my load?'"

Phrase: 1 day i hope we can meet.
trans: please, don't look out your bedroom window.

phrase: i called last night but couldn't get the courage up to talk to you, im so shy...
trans: this premature ejaculation is nearly cured.

phrase: sorry i have to stop calling, my GF caught me on the phone to you.
trans: my mom caught me wanking when she came in to ask about her phone bill.

phrase: i joined your blog, your facebook and twitter...
trans: i lost my job because the boss caught on i was using the works phone to call you for a daytime wank...

phrase: i joined your site the other day and its great..
trans: its a fucking ripoff bitch, but i downloaded everything and im canceling my membership b4 it clears at the bank.

Phrase: Wow great show last night
Translation: I didnt even see it but have this faint hope that complimenting your every move might lead to a shag

Phrase: I feel closer to you than ever before
Trans: "How the hell did you get past security???"


Phrase: Thank you for taking the time and trouble to personally reply to my message and for giving me your private e-mail address and mobile number
Trans: Yes, that was me you saw in the papers being presented with the £84 million Eurolottery cheque

Phrase: "She looks so hot tonight!" "That outfit is amazing!" "Someone's in a naughty mood!" "Stunning!" "Whoa! That looked like a filthy call!"

Translation: You may have noticed recently that I've stopped adding any of the girls' names to my posts, or (for that matter), that I've stopped spending any time whatsoever wondering if what I'm about to write is at all relevant, worthwhile, or even vaguely interesting. That's because I've discovered that I can fanboy with greater efficiency if I just copy and paste these redundant and all-encompassing posts over and over again. Gotta get that post count up!



Phrase: She's just posted that she'll be doing a night show on the 28th of next month! I'll definitely be watching that.

Translation: Yes, you read that right: I can tell an entire month in advance that I'm going to be free on that specific date. Now, I'm not saying that I do nothing but watch these channels, but I'm not 100% sure that my house has any doors on it.



Phrase: Ah, I see I'm not your only fan that sends you gifts.... you certainly look like you're enjoying those!

Translation: WHAT THE FUCK BITCH? How long have you been eating other men's chocolates!?



Phrase: No, my wife doesn't mind that I occasionally watch the glamour channels because it's her idea! In fact, she watches them with me -- it's like she can't get enough of them!

Translation: No, my wife doesn't mind that I'm constantly watching the wanking channels becasue she's already left me! And this is how I deal with my crippling depression!



Phrase: Thanks for adding me as a friend on facebook!

Translation: So where's the best place to meet for all the sex I assume we'll now be having? I'm free literally all the time. Hence the facebook stalking.



Phrase: I've been here posting about Elite all day, and no doubt I'll be here posting about Elite all night too.

Translation: God bless you, tax payers! You work so I don't have to!