Jokes

Adam meets a witch

The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"!

Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive."

Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely will be cursed!

Adam: "Nope. You're hideous."

The witch then transformed him into an ant.

Witch: "Look where your rudeness brought you! "

Adam: "Yeah this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato."

Witch: "Very well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!"

He is still adamant.

I've heard it's rude to interrupt someone when they're talking, so...

I haven't spoken to my wife in 20 years!

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt...

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche

I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another... I said, "Let's go back to my place."

She said, "Oh, do you have cable?"

I said, "No, but I have some old ropes that should hold just fine..."

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took the husband aside, and said,
"I don't like the looks of your wife at all.”

"Me neither doc," said the husband.
"But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

The job interviewer asked "What's your full name?"


"It's Shaun Fucking Bastard Twat Fuck Cunt PissFlaps Whore Gillen"


"Do you suffer from Tourette's shaun?"


"No, but the priest at my christening did!"

This man walks into a bar and sees a donkey. He askes the bartender why is there a donkey in here the bartender says if you can make this donkey laugh I will give you ten thousand pounds.

So the man whispers in the donkey's ear and the donkey started laughing.

Then the bartender said if you can make the donkey cry I will give you ten thousand more pounds.

So the man turns to an angle where only the donkey can see and the donkey started crying.

The bartender couldn't believe it so he asked the man how did you make the donkey laugh then make the donkey cry?

He said first I told the donkey my dick was bigger than his, than I showed him.

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.

The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"

The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep." The man says, "And the Viagra?" "Keeps him from falling out of bed."

A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day when he comes across a very old bottle. He's just dusting it off when two rather tired looking genies pop out "Two genies!" he exclaims. "That must mean six wishes!"

"Sorry, buddy, it's three or nuthin'," say the genies, "and hurry up". The guy makes his three wishes and races off home to see if they've been granted.

He gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him. After hours of mad, passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and walks into the living room where he is knee deep in £1000 bills. The guy can hardly believe his luck.

Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to open it, when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string him up naked until he is dead.

The two then take off their white hoods to reveal that they are, in fact, the two genies, both looking rather puzzled.

The first genie turns to the second and says, "I can understand the beautiful woman and all the money in the world, by why on earth would you want to be hung like a black man?"

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."