Jokes

Rowan Atkinson's next film role is to play a comical character who is unable to satisfy his wife.
"Missed her Bean" is showing in cinemas from Friday........

The Government is set to update sex education classes to cover topics like sexting, online porn, and everything else kids might need to become an MP.

The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice.

"The next time you're down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and go to the house," said the doctor.

"I tried that," said the farmer, "But by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it's no use."
The doctor thought for a minute, "Take your shotgun with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun and she will come down there where you are."

A few weeks later the two men met on the street.

"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.

"Fine, the first three days," said the farmer, "But then hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since."

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal.

Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger.

He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.

Son : But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy's lap!

A little girl said, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?

"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.

As she sat on her grandfather's lap she said, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"

"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."

The girl said, "Grandpa, will you please, please make a sound like a frog?"

Perplexed, her grandfather said, "Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"

And the little girl said, "Because Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"

Daddy, how was I born?
'Well, son, Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe .
We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
And since it was too late to hit the delete button.
Nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You got
Male."

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.
Karen said, “I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does.”
Joanne giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft.”
Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, “Well, what do you call your boyfriend?”
Kathy frowned and said, “The postman.”
Looking puzzled Joanne asked, ”Why the postman?”
“Because… he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box.

Me and my wife went out to dinner last night. I was trying to read themenu, but all she wanted to do was play footsies under the table and it was pissin me off. In the end I decided on the steak and she ended up getting toed in the hole.