Jokes

Three old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. When an old Grandpa walked by. An one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,
"We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said,
"There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the old Grandmas said,
"Sure we can! - Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said,
"You're 87 years old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,
"How in the world did you guess?"
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...
"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, so he calls his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns, ... how about leaving me your Rolex watch instead, the grandson insisted."
The grandpa on hearing this gets a bit pissed and says "You lissin to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini. Am I right?"
"Yes grandpa, I guess so."
"Ok, so soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whada you gonna do then? Pointa to da watch and say, ... TIMES UP!"

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch.

What does tofu and a dildo have in common?

They are both meat substitutes

I visited my friend at his new house.

He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

There's a new medical crisis.

Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.

They say they cause severe swelling.

So what's the problem?

How do you know you are a real adult?

Your back goes out more than you do.

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No, salty."

Mom fainted.

Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.
About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump.
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
The driver replies, "I'm Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife as a Christmas Present.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says; 'F*** me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.