Jokes

My wife asked me to get some organic vegetables from the market.
I couldn't see any so I asked the stallholder;
"I want some vegetables for my wife. Have these been sprayed with poison?"
Stallholder ;"No, you'll have to do that yourself. "

My wife asked me where I was taking her for Valentine's.

Apparently, 'from behind' is the wrong answer.

A boy told his mom, “I couldn’t sleep last night so I went to your room. Why were you jumping up and down on daddy?”

His mom said, “Well dear i was pushing the air out of him.”

The boy replied, “Oh, then you’re wasting your time. The lady next door blows him up every day.”

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his lap.

A woman passing by remarks, “If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady.”

He replies, “If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself.”

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!”

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.”

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s mom asked, “Really small, was it?”

Sally replied, “No, salty.”

Mom fainted.

The naughty boy draws a penis on a blackboard.

Lady teacher rubs it off.

The next day he draws a bigger one and writes: “REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!

My son, Luke, is delighted that he was named after a Star Wars character. His twin sister, Chewbacca, less so.

One day, a little boy and a little girl are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.

After much arguing to and fro, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have.”

The little girl is annoyed and upset by this, as what the boy says is obviously true. So she runs home to her Mom, crying.

A short time later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She goes to the boy, drops her pants and says, “My Mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, “I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.”

The pharmacist says, “Ma’am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you.”

The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and sees that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist says, “Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription.”

My girlfriend tried to make me make love to her on the hood of her Honda Civic…

But I refused. If I’m going to make love, it’s going to be on my own Accord.