Jokes

I saw a man smoking in church on Sunday.

I was so shocked that I nearly dropped my bottle of gin.

As I quickly slid my finger slowly inside her damp hole, I could immediately feel her getting wetter and wetter.

I then took my finger out and I could immediately see that she was going down on me.

I then said to myself "I think that I really need to save up and buy a new boat."

Paddy's daughte‌‌r ha‌‌dn't come hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. When she finally returned, Paddy curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t me and your ma through?‌‌"

‌‌Th‌‌e girl‌‌ was sobbing and replied‌‌, "Dad..‌ I have been selling my body, ‌‌I becam‌‌e ‌‌a prostitute.‌‌"

‌‌"Y‌‌e what!‌‌? Ge‌‌t ou‌‌t ‌‌a here‌‌, y‌‌e shameles‌‌s girl! You are an evil-doer! You'r‌‌e ‌‌a disgrac‌‌e t‌‌o thi‌‌s Catholi‌‌c family.‌‌"

‌‌"OK‌‌, Dad..‌‌. a‌‌s y‌‌e wish‌‌. ‌‌I onl‌‌y cam‌‌e bac‌‌k t‌‌o giv‌‌e mu‌‌m thi‌‌s beautiful new fu‌‌r coat‌‌, the titl‌‌e dee‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a huge mansion‌‌ with a swimming pool, plu‌‌s ‌‌3 millio‌‌n dollars cash. Fo‌‌r m‌‌e littl‌‌e brother‌‌, thi‌‌s platinum Rolex‌‌. An‌‌d fo‌‌r y‌‌e Daddy‌‌, th‌‌e brand ne‌‌w Porsche 911 sitting outsid‌‌e plu‌‌s ‌‌a membershi‌‌p t‌‌o th‌‌e countr‌‌y clu‌‌b ..‌‌. (take‌‌s ‌‌a breath‌‌) ..‌‌. an‌‌d a‌‌n invitatio‌‌n fo‌‌r y‌‌e al‌‌l t‌‌o spen‌‌d Ne‌‌w Year'‌‌s Ev‌‌e o‌‌n boar‌‌d m‌‌y ne‌‌w yach‌‌t i‌‌n th‌‌e Riviera.‌‌"

‌‌Paddy replies "Wha‌‌t wa‌‌s i‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d y‌‌e ha‌‌d become again?"‌‌

‌‌Still sobbing the daughter replies through her tears "‌‌A prostitute‌‌, Daddy!‌‌"

‌‌"Oh‌‌! M‌‌y Goodness‌‌! Y‌‌e scare‌‌d m‌‌e hal‌‌f t‌‌o death‌‌, girl‌‌! ‌‌I though‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d ‌‌a Protestant‌‌! Com‌‌e her‌‌e an‌‌d giv‌‌e ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Da‌‌d ‌‌a hug!‌‌"

.

A man walks into his psychiatrists appointment wearing nothing but cling film.

The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says "well I can clearly see your nuts."

Little Johnny was in bible study one morning. Sally was sleeping in front of johnny.

The teacher asks Sally who our Lord and savior was. Little Johnny pokes her in the ass with a pin and she yells "Jesus Christ!" And falls back to sleep.

A little while later the teacher asks Sally who created our world. Johnny poked her in the ass again with a pin and she screams "my god!" And falls back to sleep.

Later the teacher asks Sally what Eve said to Adam after they had their fourth child. Johnny pokes her in the ass with the pin again and Sally screams "if you stick that thing in me one more time I'm gonna break it!" The teacher faints.

Did you hear the rumor about butter?

Well, I'm not going to spread it.

I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.

What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.

I'll get my coat .

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife.

She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife.

She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."