Jokes

The first rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is don't let Audley Harrison in, unless it's ladies night.


Roy Hodgson and Jonathan Ross are rumoured to be appearing on Ready, Steady, Cook next week. I hope they both know they'll have to take a whisk to win

I bumped in to a homeless guy the other day. He asked me if I could spare any change. I stopped and looked at him and said,
"In my left hand I have a tenner, in my right hand I have a pound, which do you want?"

He replied, "I'll have the tenner."

"No you fucking won't," I said, shaking my head.

"Why not?" responded the unfortunate chap.

"Because beggars can't be choosers.

My wife sent me shopping today, she told me to buy something that made her look sexy.

I came back with two bottles of vodka and a case of beer.

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

A little girl asks her mother about her origin. "Mummy, how did I get here?" she asks. Her mother replies "God sent you honey." The girl continues "and did God send you aswell, mummy?" Her mother replies "yes sweetheart, he did." The girl persists "and daddy, and grandma and granddad, and their mums and dads too?" Her mother replies again "yes sweetheart, all of them." The girl shakes her head and says "so you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for about 200 years? Heck, no wonder everyone's so grouchy"

everytime i see you......................i smile

everytime you walk......................i laugh

everytime you speak....................i get exicited

for some reason retarded ppl amuse the hell out of me

(first joke i came across on sikipedia and i couldnt be arsed looking for a better one)

I've just got some new aftershave - "breadcrumb scent"

All the birds love it!

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

Bob the Chicken.

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St Peter said "You died in your sleep Bob!"

Bob was stunned."im dead"? No i cant be! Ive got too much to live for. Send me back!

St Peter said " Im sorry, but there,s only one way you can go back and that is as a Chicken! Bob was devastated, but begged St Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew Bob was covered in feathers , clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past "So your the new hen huh? How,s your first day here?
Not bad replied Bob the Hen, but i have this strange feeling inside like i,m going to explode!
"Your ovulating" explained the rooster. Dont tell me youve never laid an egg before.Never said Bob.
"Well just relax and let it happen" says the rooster "its no big deal". Bob did and a few uncomfortable seconds later , out popped an egg.

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg, his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell "Bob, wake up , you just shit the bed"!!!

Kate says to Camilla -

"Everytime I suck William's knob I get acid indigestion"

Camilla replies -

"Have you tried Andrews?"

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

There was an old man called Keith,
Who cirumcised men with his teeth,
It wasn't for leisure,
Or even sexual pleasure,
It was just for the cheese underneath

A man driving a car hits another man and kills him stone dead. The police arrive.

Cop : "You bastard"

Man : "But he didn't look left or right"

Cop : "He doesn't need to in his own kitchen"


A doctor is walking down the street when he sees Maurice arm in arm with a sexy woman on the other side of the road. He goes over to him and says : "Maurice, i see you're doing very well". Maurice replies : "Well doc, i was just taking your advice, you know, HOT MAMA, BE CHEERFUL". The doctor says : "Actually Maurice, what i said was HEART MURMUR, BE CAREFUL".

Paddy's wife comes home to find that all of her sex toys have been nailed to the wall, in a line.

She screams -

"You dozy twat, I said I wanted a dado rail!"

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"