Jokes

Essex girl in a car crash says "i think i have concussion" paramedic asks, "how many fingers have i got up?" the girl replies, "oh my god my fanny's paralised too!!"


Sex is like a restaurant. . . . Sometimes you get excellent service. Sometimes you get very poor service. Sometimes you get no service at all. And sometimes you just have to be happy with self-service .

A mate of mine told me he's shagging twins. I said how can you tell the difference . . . he said her brother's got a mustache!


MARRIED SEX IS LIKE THE NATIONAL LOTTERY......,SAME OLD BALLS,NO CHANCE OF A 69 AND AFTER 20 SECONDS IT ALL ENDS IN A FUCKIN ROLLOVER

Wales. The only country you can get a great shag, a delicious hotpot, and a smashing jumper. All from the same animal.

I went to the barbers earlier for a haircut. he asked what style i wanted. i said i want a justin bieber. the Fucker shaved my pubes off!!!!

a father catches his son masturbating over porn,he says "Son,you keep doing that and you will go blind",the son says "Dad,i'm over here"

i know i shouldn't really be, but i'm racist... i don't like the 200m, 400m, anything with hurdles and the egg and spoon! lol

i kicked someone in the nuts and then slapped them in the face with an odour-eater, i know what you're thinking, "that's adding in-sole to injury"! lol

drowning. water way to die! lol

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her Father cussed her.

'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write
to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings
certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked
outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... .'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a

Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking
together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

I will give each of you, each one wish, that's three wishes total,"
says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my
son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever
made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come
into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall
around Afghanistan.

Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please
tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000
feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can
get in or out---virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."

Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children.

Then Ted died of heart disease.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Again Judy remarried, and this time she & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they are finally together.”

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

“Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?”

Margaret replied: “I think he means her legs, Ethel…”