Jokes

three old ladies are sitting in a garden, one says, "it's windy, isn't it?", another says, "i thought it was thursday", and the other one says, "yes, i am a bit, i'll make a cup of tea"

Two old grannies arrive at the Bingo hall ready to play Bingo. One asked 'Did u come on the bus?'. The other replied 'Yes I did actually but I didn't think anyone heard me'.

i remember one time at school, a policeman came in to a speech on drugs, he was so wasted nobody could understand him!

i bought a radiator the other day, i still can't get capital fm on it!

i bought a radio yesterday, i burned myself twice on it!

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.

They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and Complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

Rodney Dangerfield's Very Best One Liners...

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.


2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.


3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.


4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."


5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning. I put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.


6. I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.


7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.


8. I was such an ugly baby...my mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.


9. I'm so ugly...my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.


10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.

THE WEDDING TEST I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing that was bothering me... it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 22 wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra less. One day her 'little" sister called and asked me to come over to check wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. She asked me to meet her upstairs in her bedroom for one last fling. I was stunned watching her walk up the stairs. I made a beeline straight for the front door and headed straight to my car! Low and behold all my fiance's family were standing outside clapping, proud that I had passed their test. The moral of the story..... Always keep your condoms in the car!!

Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time."