Jokes

A Jewish boy has been born with no eyelids. The doctors say they can operate using the foreskin from his circumcision but he runs the risk of being cock-eyed

12 Finest Double-Entendres
These are classic - Enjoy!


12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5.. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

Kate Middleton goes to the Queen and says "every time I suck William's knob I get indigestion" , the queen says "have you tried Andrews"

3 football fans are leaving the big game, one from Brighton, one from Chelsea, and one from Manchester United, when they come across the body of a dead woman lying naked in the middle of the road. Not sure what they should do, the Brighton fan takes off his supporters cap and places it over her left breast. The Chelsea supporter follows suit, placing his cap over her right breast, finally the Manchester United supporter places his Mancheser United cap over her 'lower regions', and they decide they should call the police.
Several minutes later the policeman arrives and goes over to the body to inspect it. First he lifts the Brighton cap, and looks briefly at her left breast. Next he lifts the Chelsea cap, looking briefly at the woman's right breast. Finally he lifts the Mancheser United supporters cap off the woman, but instead of looking briefly, he stares at the woman's 'privates' for about 2 minutes.
Putting the cap down the police man thinks to himself and lifts the cap again. This time staring for about 5 minutes. The supporters think this kind of behaviour a little strange, and when the policeman finally finishes staring and comes over to them, they ask him what he had been looking at for so long.
The policeman replies: "It's the darnedest thing, but that's the first time I've ever seen anything other than an arsehole under an Manchester United cap"

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from
behind on stage last night.
To be fair the audience did try to warn him

letter from the Prime Minister
Dear people of the United Kingdom

"Due to the current financial situation caused by the
slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided
to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and
older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as
RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government
to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After
Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed
under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early
Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and
SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional
Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings
for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who
have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any
further by the government.

Persons, who are not RAPED and are staying on, will
receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as
possible. The government has always prided itself in the
amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do
not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention
of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the
SHIT you can handle."

Sincerely,

Gordon Brown

:quiz show howlers
Thought you might find this funny!

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.


BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're.?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:- Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what:- Prison, or The Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?


GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The.?
Caller: Mohicans.



PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the Middle.
Contestant: Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?>
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific


ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end In 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta ?.


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth . ER .ER . Three?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er. Mexico?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.


LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus

Actual answers given to the bould Larry Gogan (Irish Radio Presenter).
1) Something a blind man might use?
A Sword
2) A Song with the word Moon in the title?
Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the Capital of France?
F
4) Name a bird with a long neck?
Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch?
A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal?
Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) What is Hitler’s first name
Heil As happy as…. (Larry gave a hint: Think of my name)
A pig in shit
9) Some famous brothers
Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race
The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath
Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach
A deckchair
14) A famous Royal
Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn’t have an engine
A bicycle with wings
16) A famous bridge
The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does
Goes to the Toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom
Decorate
19) A method of securing your home
Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs
The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac
April
22) Something people might be allergic to
Skiing
23) Something you do before you go to bed
Sleep
24) Something you put on walls
A roof
25) Something Slippery
A conman
26) A kind of ache
A filet of fish
27) A Jacket Potato topping
Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white
A potato
29) A famous Scotsman
Jock
30) A famous Scotsman
Vinnie Jones
31) Something you open other than a door
Your bowels
32) Larry: Famous sports commentator?
Female contestant: No response
Larry: Something you might suck on!
Female contestant: Dickie Davis
Correct answer: Murray Walker

33) And in reply from a man who got none of the answers right:
Larry - Ah sorry the questions didn’t suit you today.
Entrant - Fuck off Larry, you’re nothing but an ould bollox anyway

Englishman , Italian dude , and Irishman meet in a pub . The beer is going down well .

The Englishman gets homesick , and tell his new friends about his son . He was born on St. George day , so he named him George .

The Italian guy replies that his daughter was born on Valentine's day , so he named her " Valentine "

The Irishman says : " That's so funny , my boy Pancake was born on pancake day .

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrheae in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."