Jokes

Woman bumps into man in dark alley "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?"
man replies "Both. This is a rape!":)

A priest checks into an Hotel and says to the receptionist "I hope the porn channel is disabled" The receptionist said "NO - It's normal porn you sick f**k"

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss, You must feel terrible". Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled horrible. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled . But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle......." The old woman fainted

Happily Addicted to the Web (To the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy--although
My boss let me go--
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's a beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me, saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know that life keeps moving on"
With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if some day
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!

Teacher draws a penis on blackboard and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this thing is?"Little Tim shouts, "yes sir, my dad has 2 of them"."TWO?" enquire's the teacher in surprise,"Yes sir, he has a small one for weeing and a big one for cleaning the babysitters teeth!

a dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. he decides to test it at dinner, son where were you today. son says school dad , robot slaps the son! "ok i watched a dvd at my mates house "what dvd?" "toy story". robot slaps the son again, ok it was a porno cries the son. when i was your age i didnt know what porn was, robot slaps the dad ! mum laughs hahaha hes certainly your son robot slaps the mum

Kate s wedding shoes were too tight. Once in the bedroom Wills helped them off.
The family heard grunting, straining, a scream and Wills say, "That was tight."
The Queen said "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, they heard Wills say, "Now for the other one." There was more grunting and straining. At last Wills said, "My God. That was even tighter."
The Duke said "That's my boy, once a sailor, always a sailor

An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night.

The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face.

So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results.

Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Three couples (friends) travel together to a resort hotel, only to find that their reservations have been screwed up and they all have to stay in one room.

There are 2 king-sized beds and it is decided that the men will all sleep in one, and the women in the other.

In the middle of the night, the guy in the middle wakes up and says to the man next to him, "Let me out, I have GOT to get to my wife! I have the biggest hard-on I have ever had and I've got to get to her NOW!"

The other guy says, "O.K. Do you want me to come with you?"

"What the hell for?" asks the other.

"Because that's MY dick you're holding!" he says.

A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside.

The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!".

Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world!

The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.

Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.

When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"

The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"