Jokes

Priest walking through soho is approached by a working girl who say's, "would you like a jump" The priest being somewhat taken aback walks on ignoring her. A few yards down the road another lady asks the priest "would you like a jump" the priest again hurries on his way. Further along the road he see's a nun. The priest approaches the nun and asks, "excuse me sister but can you tell me what a jump is"? £60 said the nun.

One night a boy and a girl went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatoes"

So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, tomatoes"

Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said

"Could you stop making sandwiches you're getting mayonaisse on me"!!!

Confucius say "Man who squirts cream into tart isn't necessarily a banker"

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"

Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"

"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.

Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"

did you hear about the cartoon dog going deep-sea diving?... it was SCUBA dooby doo! lol

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

How do you confuse a female archaeologist? Give her a used tampon and ask her what period its from.

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.'

'Dear,' the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!'

A man with OCD is talking with his wife. He says "My obsession with doing things in alphabetical order is really getting me down". "Oh don't worry love, tell you what lets go upstairs and you can give me a good servicing". "That sounds like an excellent idea. Firstly I will give you some ANAL. After that you can give me a BLOW JOB, then you get into the COWGIRL position. After that I can do you DOGGIE STYLE before I EJACULATE and you FILL YOUR PUSSY WITH MY CUM and you GRIND AWAY ON EMPTY COCK". "What about H". HARD ON GONE, I'M OFF DOWN THE PUB" replies the man.