Jokes

My wife and I walked past a swanky restaurant last night. "Did you smell that food?" she said. "It was absolutely incredible, and it is our anniversary tomorrow." I thought to myself. fuck it, I'll treat her. So I walked her past it again.

Touretti Spaghetti-Pasta Letters in fucking tomato sauce.

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says. "Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it." The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"

Your girlfriend is ugly when...

(1) She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.

(2) As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.

(3) Even mosquitoes stay away from her.

(4) She startles the animals at the zoo.

(5) On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.

(6) She makes onions cry.

(7) Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.

(8) Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.

(9) The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.

(10) When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.

Sex therapists claim that the most effective way for a woman to arouse a man is to lick his ears. Personally. I think it's bollocks.

As it's the opening day of the season.....

The seven dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.
Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.
In the distance a voice shouts out "Liverpool are good enough to win the Premiership."
Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's still alive!"

I was standing at the bar and this fella said to me: "Do you always drink your whisky neat?" I said: "No, sometimes I don't wear a tie and leave my shirt hanging out."

My mate Paddy went looting in manchester the other night, he raided argos and got 500 catalogues if anyone want's one.

Tottenham have signed young Italian striker, Robatelli

Zombies,if you can't beat them,join them