Jokes

I hear Steven Spielberg's making another movie about a swashbuckling archaeologist who searches for mythical artefacts unseen by men for many years. It's called Indiana Jones and the Arsenal Trophy Cabinet.

Viagra has just been released in powder form.I put some in my tea today.Didn't seem to work,but it stopped my biscuit from going soft.

A small, elderly man slowly shuffled into an ice cream parlor and carefully pulled himself onto a stool at the counter, wincing the whole time.

After a moment of catching his breath and wiping his brow, he ordered a hot fudge sundae.

Writing down his order, the waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he breathed wearily. "Rheumatism."

A young, blond girl, in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman". She went to the front door of a lovely house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50 ?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb-blond jokes."
A few hours later, the blond came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blond replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her along with a £10 tip.
"Thank you," the blond said, "...and, by the way...it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. 'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered. ' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked inand saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

I was talking to one of the sexy student girls that live next door when she mentioned that some dirty pervert had stolen her knickers off the washing line. Then she added that the police were looking at CCTV footage from the camera mounted on the back of her house. I nearly shit her knickers.

My next door neighbour was banging on my door at 4am, good job I was playing my bagpipes or he'd have woken me up

Why do they give Viagra to old men in Nursing Homes ? So they don't roll out of bed.

Three women and three men are travelling by train to the football game. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men. 'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women. They all board the train together. The three men take their respective seats, but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.' The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand..

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea so after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed man. 'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

She knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket please.'

I'm still trying to figure out why men think they are smarter than women . . . . .

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be £36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."