Jokes

If sex between 3 people is called a threesome & sex between 2 people,called a twosome.Why is handsome considered a compliment ?

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Dwarves are often born with an extra toe...it's a little gnome fact.

A young boy enters a barbers and the barber whispers to another punter, "This is the stupidest kid ever. Watch this." The barber puts a fiver in one hand and two quid in the other, and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the coin and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "He's stupid!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, why did you take the two quid instead of the £5 note?" The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the fiver, the game is over!"

A BLOKE asks the dentist: "How much to pull a tooth?"

The dentist says: "Two hundred quid."

"What? Two hundred quid for five minutes work?" gasps the bloke.

The dentist replies: "Well I could pull it out more slowly and painfully for £50."

So the bloke says: "Okay, that's fine - can I book an appointment for my missus?"

Why don't dwarves need BUPA?

Because they get their treatment on the National Elf Service!

When poison is passed it's use by date,does it become more or less deadly ?

A little old lady was very upset because her husband Albert had just passed away.

She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment.

Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulled back the curtain, she managed to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit. She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"

The undertaker replied, "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. The widow of the 2nd body explained that she was very upset as her husband had always wanted to be buried in a black suit".

The wife smiled at the man.

".........after that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads".

Incompetence is officially at it's lowest level since records were lost.

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"