Jokes

Two men were at a football match and it was just seconds away from kick-off.

"Man," said the first man, "I'm bursting for a pee, and the toilets are miles away"

"Don't worry," said the second man. "You see that bloke in front of you? Just pee up his leg."

"Are you crazy?" said the first man, "that bloke's massive."

"Oh," said the second man, "he won't notice anything."

"How do you know?" said the first man.

"Because I've just peed up yours!" said the second man.

Memory foam mattresses: Making sure that even after your one night stand has left, you know how much of a fat munter she was...

Amy Winehouse approaches the gates of Heaven and is at the back of a massive queue of people. St. Peter sees her and beckons her to the front. "Am I getting special treatment because of my fame?" she asks. St. Peter replies, "No, we're still waiting for the Norwegian translator for this lot!"

Peter: Hey babe

Abby : Hi honey

Peter : Great news we are moving to Stoke

Abby: (Silence)

Peter: You still there ? hello ? hello....

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

"The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway

"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

"A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio

"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer

"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio

"This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service.

"We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

"He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

"That race was all about competition." - David Coleman, ITV

"And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us." - Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3

Mark Goodier: What's the name of the company you work for?

Listener: Mining and Engineering Services. Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do; is it mining and

engineering services? - BBC Radio 1

"Marling - unbeaten in her three victories."

Peter O'Sullivan, BBC2 TV: "Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets."

James Hunt, BBC2 TV: "A church spire nestling among the trees...there's probably a church there too." - Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV

My favourite was on a radio phone-in quiz and the woman was asked "what was Hitler's first name?". She thought for a moment before replying: "Heil?"

Amazing Anagrams

Dormitory == Dirty Room

Desperation == A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code == Here Come Dots

Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity == Is No Amity

Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness == Genuine Class

Semolina == Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one

Contradiction == Accord not in it

This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

Becomes:

In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

And the grand finale:

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong

becomes:

A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

...and not forgetting that "Motorway Service Station" is an anagram of "Coronary Vomit Stew"

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.