Jokes

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE. ..HUH ! all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first ,"How did it go"? The first whispers back : "It was so embarrassing, I simply couldn't get an erection" The second dwarf shook his head . "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed"

Three little boys were walking down the street when they saw a sign that said," if you want to have fun, follow the arrow. So they did, to a door with a red light above it. They went in and told the Madam, 'WE WANT TO HAVE FUN"! To which she replied, " Don't you boys think you're a little too young? The boys convinced her and were on their way down the hall to a room where a prostitute sat on the edge of the bed., She aksed them how they wanted "it". they all said " we just want to have fun". She said o.k. and took her top off. The first little boy covers his eyes and runs out. The prostitute takes off her panties. The second little boy covers his eyes and runs out.
So the prostitute bends over and slaps her ass, and the third boy covers his eyes and runs out. Walking together down the street, the first boy says to the second boy " How come you ran out?" "My mommy said if I ever saw a naked lady I'd go to hell." The second boy asks the first boy "How come you ran out?" "My mommy said she'd spank me if i saw a naked lady." They both turned to the third boy and asked him, he said "My mommy told me I'd turn into a rock and I felt something getting hard so got the heck out of there."

I just bought some HP sauce I gonna pay them back 50p a week

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out

fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every

room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not

said a word. So they asked him.

"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear sun-block."

A man walks into a pub and say's to the landlord, "A treble whisky please..."
So the landlord gives him the whisky and he knocks it straight back
The landlord say's, "You look pissed off, is there anything wrong?
"I've just found my wife in bed with my best friend" the man replies...
"Hell! that's bad news, here have another whisky. What did you say to your wife?" Replies the landlord
The man turns and say's, "I looked her straight in the face and told her to pack her bags and get out"
The landlord says " I think you did the right thing telling her that. What did you say to your best friend?"
The man say's, "I looked him straight in the face and said. YOUR A BAD DOG! "

After years of milking cows with the traditional stool-and-squirt method, Farmer Giles finds he has enough money to order a high-tech milking machine. The equipment arrives a few days later and, realising his wife is out for the day, decides to test the machine on himself first.

After setting it up, he quickly eases his beef bayonet into the equipment and flicks the switch. The sucking teat pleasures him better than his wife ever could, but when it's over the machine will not release his member.

In desperation, the farmer calls the Customer Service Hotline. "Hello," he winces, "I've just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but, er, how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry." Replies the rep. "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

I was fingering my girlfriend & she was moaning in ecstasy,I bet her I could make her scream with one finger.She said "go for it" so I poked her in the eye.

A Chinese guy stood next to me at a bar. I asked him, "Do you know martial arts, like Kung-Fu and Ju-Jitsu?" he says, "why'd you ask?, Is it because I'm Chinese?" I replied, "NO, it's because you're drinking my pint!"

the worst thing about being dyslexic is you never know when THIS SHIT HITS the fan!

The BBC has just announced that Colonel Gaddafi may have slipped into Jordan. Has that woman got no shame.