Jokes

My life for most of the last week has been is a doss. A client has run into delays caused by their IT dept but I'm contracted and still being paid for doing nothing, so I've sat around all day watching porn and browsing the forum whilst mrs w has gone off to work. When she got home on Friday afternoon, though, she started nagging and telling me to get off my arse and do the housework etc.

Well she can go whistle, because I'm just not having it. There's no way I'm cleaning up after her and 2 teenage daughters, doing dishes, hoovering, picking up their dirty panti........

oh wait...

(08-10-2011 21:57 )Cheesy Grin Wrote:  A question for Bill Clinton: "What was Miss Lewinsky's most memorable feature?"
"She has the whitest teeth I've ever come across"

When Monica started work at the White House she supposedly said to Bill on her first day, "I don't care if you are the President of the United States, you're not going to stick your dick in my mmmwwww mmfffff worrrrr mwmwmwmw!!!

A Woman in a store buys milk and bread.
Man at counter: I Bet you're single?
Woman: Yes! Yes I am. You knew it because of what I bought?
Man: No, you're just ugly

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.

"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

I now have to use a lubricant before having sex with the Mrs.
Eight pints usually does the trick!

Bill Kenwright has announced that due to the coin throwing incident in last week's Merseyside derby, David Moyes now has £3.76 to spend in the January Transfer Window!

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

Paddy & Mick are trying to estimate the height of a Flagpole. A Builder walks past & they explain their problem. He says, "That's simple fellas, watch this". He unbolts it, lies it flat & measures it. Paddy says to Mick "Thick Twat, we want to know the height not the fucking length!"

Son said to father, "Dad I'm gay". Dad said to other son, "What about you?" Son said "I'm gay too Dad". Dad said "Fuck me!, doesn't anyone in this family like Fanny?" Daughter said "I do!"

What is the difference between a Virgin and a washing machine?
The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!