Jokes

I started my new job as a bus driver today but it didn't go to well.

A stunning blonde got on with massive tit's and asked me "Are you going to Oldham?"

Well she didn't have to ask me twice.... Oh well back to the job centre tomorrow then.

A father gifted his stupid daughter a new touch screen mobile phone. Next day he was surprised to see her mobile on the floor and she was rubbing it with a broom. When asked why she was doing it, she replied, " Dad, the phone is locked and it says 'sweep the screen to unlock"!

Went hunting rabbits this morning. Shot 2 in the head and 1 in the leg.
Everyone in the Pet Shop went fucking mental!

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mummy, Mummy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.
...
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mummy Mummy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm Blonde, Mummy?"

"No Honey, Its because you're 24."

A man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
...
"A fottle."

"A fottle? That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton."

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."

"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

A fireman is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and
a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.

... The fireman walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fireman says with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," The fireman says: "I don't want to tell you how to run
your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think he could pull more."

The little girl replied: "You're probably right, sir, but then I wouldn't have a siren."!

George Bush and Dick Cheney were at a fancy Washington restaurant...

The waitress approaches their table to take their order. She is young and very attractive. She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies: "I'll have the heart-healthy salad."
"Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr President?"
Bush answers: "How about a quickie?" Taken aback, the wa...itress slaps him and says: "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were bringing in a new administration that was committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you."
With that, the waitress departed in a huff. Cheney leans over to Bush, and says: "Mr President, I believe that's pronounced quiche."

(13-10-2011 16:07 )Cheesy Grin Wrote:  "In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

why, what did he call it?... a bucking?... or... a fuck--OH!... i see! lol

The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert.

During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
...
"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... m-m-m.... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are"