Jokes

An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on th...e man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.

One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."

Alex Ferguson "Michael get your tracksuit off son" Michael Owen "Am I going on to save the day boss ?" Alex Ferguson "No son Giggsy's getting cold"

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

More Books Never Written  


how to masturbate by wayne carr

"seriously!" by joe king

A man is walking down the street when he finds an old lamp at the side of the road.He picks it up,gives it a rub & a genie pops out.The genie "says I shall grant you one wish & one wish only" The man replies "that's easy,I want my cock to touch the ground" The genie claps his hands & the mans legs fall off.

What's black and white and very, very hungry?

Colonel Gaddafi's cat.

To neigh or not to neigh..that is equestrian.

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. All the locals shouted abuse at me, calling me a "paedophile" "kiddie fiddler" and other names just because I am 50 and she is 20.....









It completely ruined our 10th anniversary together.

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was really desperate to get a rodgerin....

It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my cock out that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room!!