Jokes

Wife gets naked and asks hubby 'What turns you on more',
.........My blue eyes,
.........My pouting red lips,
.........My pretty face,
.........My D cup tits,
.........My nice tight pussy or my sexy firm arse,

Hubby looks her up and down and replies

......... 'Your fucking sense of humour'

I'm now getting to the stage when i have to use a lubricant before having sex with the wife,

Usually about 8 pints!!

Paddy and a woman start kissing on a sofa. After a while she whispers 'lets take it upstairs'. Paddy says 'ok, you grab one end and i'll take the other'.

Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. 'I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight' he said. 'What the hell is that' asked his wife. 'You bend over, hands on the floor, i pick your legs up and shag you from behind' said Paddy. Wife says 'I'll do it on two conditions'. 1) If it hurts you stop straight away and 2) You make sure we don't go past my mums house!!

I'm going ice fishing!

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."

I said to the doctor, "Everytime I close my eyes I see a spinning insect". The doctor said, "Dont worry its just a bug going round".

You know Drogba's playing when the 4th Official is a Lifeguard.

I've just bought an igloo from IKEA, 200 litre of water (freezer not included).

"Can you do an impression of a parrot ?" Asked my mate. "Can you do an impression of a parrot ?" I replied.

I have decided to learn the art of Tai Chi.You never know when you might encounter a violent tortoise.