Jokes

"So are you an anal kind of guy ?" she asked,unlocking the door to her flat. "Yeh of course" I replied,thinking my luck was in,as I'd only just pulled her. P" You'll love my CD collection then" she said, "It's all in alfabetical order"

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.”

“I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”

Money Talks!

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's £1.50 per minute.!!!

An elderly lady goes to the doctor and asks him, "Is there anything you can do to make me quit farting all the time? I've farted 3 times since we've been here, and I just don't think that much is normal. They're not loud and they don't stink, but it's really annoying."

The doctor thinks for a second and writes her a prescription, "Take these 3 times a day and come back to see me in a week."

When the week is up she sees the doctor again, "I don't know what kind of pills those were, but I fart just as much as before, except now they reek to high heaven."

The doctor says, "Good. Now that we have your sinuses cleared up let's see what we can do about your hearing."

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding a little...

As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge.

Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going boy?"

Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 40?"

"57 mph, boy! 57 mph in a 40 zone!" said the cop.

"If you already knew" replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting nicked!"

The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "I've got a job! I've got a very good job!"

The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.

"What did you say?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"

Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

Q:What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A:Well Hung

Q:How do you turn a Fox into a Elephant?
A:Marry it

A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He puts them on the bar and
orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man
excuses himself to use the restroom. There’s an awkward silence so the
bartender tries to make small talk with the ducks.
He asks the first duck, “What’s your name?”
“Huey,” replies the duck.
“How’s your day been?”
“Oh, I’ve had a great day,” replies Huey. “I’ve been in and out of puddles
all day.”
The bartender asks the second duck, “What’s your name?”
“Duey,” replies the duck.
“How’s your day been?”
“Oh, I’ve had a great day,” replies Duey. “I’ve been in and out of puddles
all day.”
The bartender says to the third duck, “I guess your name is Louie?”
The duck replies, “No, I’m Puddles.”

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as
Sister Mathematical (S. M. ), and the other is known as Sister Logical
(S.L.). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
S.L.: Have you noticed a man that has been following us for the past half hour?”
S.M.: “Yes, I wonder what he wants.”
S.L.: “It’s logical. He wants to rape us.”
S. M.: “Oh, no! At this pace he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?”
S.L.: “The only logical thing to do, of course. We have to start walking faster.”
S. M.: “It is not working.”
S.L.: “Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical thing to do. He also started to walk
faster.”
S. M.: “So, what shall we do? At this pace, he will reach us in less than 1 minute.”
S.L.: “The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I will go this way. He cannot
follow both of us.”
So, the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried because Sister Logical has not arrived yet. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
S. M.: “Sister Logical! Thank God you are here. Tell us what happened.”
S.L.: “The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he decided to go
after me.”
S. M.: “So, what happened? Please tell us.”
S.L.: “The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could. The man also started
to run as fast as he could.”
S. M.: “And what else?”
S.L.: “The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.”
S. M.: “Oh, no. What did you do then?”
S.L.: “The only logical thing to do. I pulled my dress up.”
S. M.: “Oh, Sister. What did the man do?”
S.L.: “The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.”
S. M.: “Oh, no! What happened then?”
S.L.: “Isn’t it logical Sister? A nun with her dress up runs faster than a man with his pants down!”

Q:What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A:Melt them down and make a tyre,and call it a 'GOODYEAR'

1've been slowly torturing a centipede for 98 days, it's on it's last legs now.