Jokes

Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! That’s not how I want to spend all eternity......." They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says "Oh no! Not for me!"

They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to me. I’ll take it." The Devil then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you’ve been replaced."

One fine morning in the garden of Eden,God was looking for Adam & Eve but couldn't find them.
Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier.
Adam said,"This morning Eve and I made love for the first time."
God said,"Adam!" "You have sinned,I knew this would happen,Where's Eve now?"
Adam replied,"She's down the river washing herself out."
"Damn," says God,"Now all the fish are going to smell funny."

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife decided it was time for some marital counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

What do you get if you play a country and western song backwards?
The singer gets his wife house and job back.

What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand?
Kermit the frogs undivided attention.

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favours," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

One day Superman was flying along feeling kind of horny.
He had a busy day ahead of him but just had to satisfy his urge,so he decided he would fly over to Wonder Woman's house to see what she was doing.
As he got closer he used his xray vision,and to his surprise Wonder Woman was lying on her bed absolutely Starkers.
Superman thought,"This is great! I'll just zip right in there,do my business,and before she knows it I'll be gone."
So Superman blast right in on top of Wonder Woman,does his deed at light speed and is gone in a flash.
Wonder Woman,not quite sure what had hit her said,"WHOA!" "What was that?"
To which the Invisible Man replied,"I don't know,but my Arse hurts."

Two men approach each other on the pavement. Both are dragging their right feet.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says,
"Vietnam,1969".
The other points his thumb behind him and says,
"Dog shit, 20 feet back".

A wife says to her friend, "Our sex life stinks".
Her friend says "Do you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?"
The wife says "Once, and i saw rage."
Her friend says, "Why would he be angry during sex?"
The wife says "Because he was looking through the window at us".

A woman is standing in a crowded lift of a hotel she is staying in when a man gets in and accidentally elbows her in the breast.

The man says "I'm sorry but if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me".

So the woman replies,"If your dick is as hard as your elbow then i'm staying in room 112!.

I said to my mate, "I've been sleeping with a lass down the pub."

He said, "Lass Who?"

I said, "Don't be stupid,you can't have sex with a rope."