Jokes

An Amish boy was sitting on his bed reading the bible.

All of a sudden, his father storms in, grabs him and drags out into the field, where one sheep is chewing grass.

The father points to the sheep and says:
"Thou hast had sexual relations with yon sheep!"

The boy kneels and says:
"Father, forgive me, for i did indeed spill my seed in yon lowly beast."

Saddened the father says:
"Thou are forgiven, my son. But know this...there will be fire and brimstone if i taste it again."

Little Johnny's class is reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knows that he has an "advanced" vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him. When the teacher asks for a word beginning with "A," Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher anticipates he'll say, "ass" so she calls on Mary Lou, who says "apple."
This continues because the teacher knows that Little Johnny knows a cuss word for every letter of the alphabet. Then she gets to "R." She can't think of any cuss words that begin with R, so she calls on Johnny.
He exclaims, "R is for rats -- big f**king rats, with 12-inch c**ks!"

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.

Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"

Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."

Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"

Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."

Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"

Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."

I'm really looking forward to this evening. I have a beautiful date lined up and we are going to hire a movie and cosy up to watch it later.
And by a "beautiful date", I mean by myself, and by "a movie" I mean a porno, and by "hire", I mean illegally download, and by "later" I mean I am already watching it.


'Now, sir, a war is never even. Sir, a war is won!' Cried Corporal Palindrome...


A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.
The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.
The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
The man has finally had all he can handle.
He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

A guy picked up an attractive girl sitting alone at a bar and to his delight, she asked him back to her place.

They were both about to get undressed in her bedroom when he decided he fancied a cigarette. Unable to find his lighter, he asked her if she had one, and she suggested there might be a box of matches in the top drawer of the bedside cabinet. Opening the drawer, he found the matches...sitting on top of a framed photo of another man. He immediately started to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly" she replied nibbling his ear.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, don't be silly" she said working her tongue into his mouth.
"Who is he then?"
Calmy the girl replied: "Thats me before the operation."

A supermarket burger walks into a bar and says " A pint please"
The barman says "I can't hear you, what was that?"
The burger says "sorry, I'm a little bit horse today..."


If you think the Horse Burgers in Tesco are bad, wait until you see their Unicorn on the Cob!!


Horse Meat in burgers? Frankel-y I'm disgusted...

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a farmer's field. The farmer took the pilot back to the farmhouse, where the pilot noticed the farmer had a golden fiddle hanging above the fireplace. The two men were standing there talking when the farmer's wife came down the steps. The pilot couldn't believe how beautiful she was.
"How can you trust her to be here by herself all day, while you go out and work the fields?"
"I trust my wife," the farmer said. "She's never been unfaithful."
"I'll make you a little bet. If I take your wife upstairs, she'll be unfaithful. If not, you can have my plane. But, if she is, I get your fiddle."
"It's a deal." So, the pilot and the farmer's wife go upstairs. About a half hour passes, and the farmer picks up the fiddle and starts playing it.
"Be true to me, Be true to me, Be true for just one hour. Be true to me, Be true to me, And his airplane will be ours." Another fifteen minutes pass, and suddenly he sees his wife coming down the stairs. He asks her if she stayed true to him. She walked over, picked up the fiddle, started playing it.
"He kissed me on the lips, He kissed me on the tits, He kissed me in the middle. He kissed a spot that you forgot, and you lost your fucking fiddle."

A man returned home from the night shift and feeling horny, went straight up to the bedroom.

He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep, but not to be denied, he crawled under the sheet and screwed her with real passion.

Afterwards he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How did you get down here so fast?" "We were just making love!"

A look of horror crossed the wifes face. "Oh my god! Thats my mother up there! She came over and complained of a headache so i told her to lie down for a while."

The wife rushed upstairs. "Mother i can't believe what happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother replied: "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and i wasn't about to start now!"

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, ‘What on earth is that all about?’
The farmer says, ‘We had a fire in the chicken coop a while back and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm.’
‘OK, but that was a while back. Why does he still wear them?’
The farmer replies, ‘There ain’t nothing funnier than watching him trying to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other.’ ...


HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
1. Compliment her,
2. cuddle her,
3. kiss her,
4. caress her,
5. love her,
6. stroke her,
7. tease her,
8. comfort her,
9. protect her,
10. hug her,
11. hold her,
12. spend money on her,
13. wine & dine her,
14. buy things for her,
15. listen to her,
16. care for her,
17. stand by her,
18. support her,
19. go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
1.Show up naked.
2 Bring beer.

Julius Ceaser was marching 200,000 soldier's into battle,when he turns round an shouts HALT,all the soldier's come to a shuddering stop. In the distance he sees a solider out of line at the back an is absolutely furious as he looks on in disgust he sees the solider getting bigger an bigger,after 5 minutes of waiting Ceaser is furious as the solider finally falls at his feet. Ceaser bellows I said HALT,to which the solider replies,fuck me I thought you said Walt.