Jokes

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy her cigarettes. He walks there only to find it closed. So, he goes into a nearby bar to use their vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and eventually end up in her apartment. After they've had some fun, he realizes it's 3 a.m. and says, "My wife's going to kill me. Do you have any talcum powder?"

The woman gives him some talcum powder, which he rubs on his hands and then goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and screeches, "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there, we had a few drinks, one thing led to another, and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and says, "You liar! You went bowling again!"

Did you here about the man who fell asleep at the wheel?
There was a terrible mess - clay everywhere.

How do you titillate an ocelot?
Oscillate its titalot.

The most common name in China is Chang, correct me if you think that's Wong.

What do you call a 1950s french cabaret singer with Tourette's Syndrome? Edith Pissoff.

Oxymorons are basically complicated...


You know you're getting old when:
I was watching BabeStation. There was this gorgeous girl in a skimpy little French maid's outfit, pushing a vac around, bending over provocatively. And as her little skirt rode up, exposing her lovely little bottom with the little strip of black material covering her crack, all I could think was:
"We used to have a Hoover like that one."


I was chatting with an old chap in the pub last night, he was telling me an old tale about when he used to work on a building site and got 'caught short' he'd shit in a carrier bag and throw it up a corner.
Let me tell you the lady on the checkout in Asda was not fucking happy with me this morning.

Our neighbour's dog shat in our garden, so my mum told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

I watched my cock go in and out , in and out ,and in and out ..
It was getting wetter and wetter ..
All I could think was ... Get in your fucking coop it's starting to rain ..


I destroyed my girlfriend's pussy last night.
It had fell asleep under the back wheel of my car, and I reversed over it...


The police arrived on the scene to find me upside down in my car.
They told me not to be so silly, and to sit properly....

A grandmother says to her young grandson, "Be a love and help your gran put this suppository in.
"Course i will gran", he replies.
She bends over pulls her knickers down and spreads her legs.
The grandson says, "Do i put it in the brown hole, or feed it to the turkey.

Whats green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
The pool table in the oval office.

A_C_H_L
Sometimes alcohol is the answer.

A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear hunting. The first morning out, the one man named Bill, goes out on his own. He comes to a clearing on a hill overlooking a field and sees a bear slowly strolling across the field. He gets the bear in his sites and fires. He then looks all around. But he can't find the bear.
All of a sudden, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around, and there's the bear. The bear knocks the gun out of his hands, and Bill stands there shaking in his boots.
The bear yells at him, saying he's sick and tired of being shot at and gives Bill an ultimadum. The bear tells him, that he can either drop to his knees and blow him, or the bear will eat his face.
Bill immediately drops to his knees and obliges the bear. The bear walks away contented and Bill find his way back to the cabin.
The next morning. Bill takes an even bigger gun with him, and goes to the same place he saw the bear before. And sure enough, there was the bear strolling across the field again. Bill gets all excited, as he gets the bear in his sites and he shoots! He looks all around, no bear. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder again. He turns around, and, surprise, there's the bear. The bear looks at him, knocks the gun out of his hand, and says,''You know the routine.''
Bill drops to his knees and obliges the bear again. When he's done, the bear walks away smoking a cigarette and Bill stumbles back to his cabin.
The following day Bill is all pissed off now. He grabs the biggest gun he can find and heads to the same spot again. And sure enough, there is the bear strolling across the field again. He gets the bear in his sites, and says to himself, ''Now this bear's gonna fuckin' get it!'' He pulls the trigger and, "Ka-BOOM!" He looks all over again, but no bear. Then, just as before, he feels the same tap at his shoulder. He turns around, there's the bear standing there with a big smirk on his face. He looks down at Bill and says, ''You're not in this for the hunting are you?'''

There's a knock on the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looks out and sees a man waiting to come in.

Saint Peter goes out and is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A short time later there's another knock.

Again Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears.

Saint Peter just gets back inside, when again the knocking start's.
Sure enough, the man is back standing at the gates.

"Are you playing games with me?" asks a riled Saint Peter.

"No", replies the man. "The medics are trying to resuscitate me."

My son called to tell me he won the lottery and I was getting half, so I immediately phoned my boss and told him to go fuck himself.
Afterwards, my son said, "Do you think that was wise?"
"Definitely!" I replied. "He's a fucking wanker."
"I know that," he said. "But you didn't have to quit your job for a fiver."


After years of arguing with the wife I finally snapped and kicked her in the fanny.
That was the last I saw of the old boot....


I was looking in the window of Ladbrooks and a sign said "Who will score tonight?".
So I went straight in and put a tenner on my mate Dave with the bird who works in the chip shop...

Some nuns are renovating a church vestry and getting very hot and sweaty in the process.

The Mother Superior suggests they take off their clothes and work naked.

The nuns agree, but bolt the vestry door as a precaution. They've all stripped off, when there's a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" says the Mother Superior.

A voice replies, "Its the blind man!".

The Mother Superior opens the door and the man says,

"Hey sister, nice tits. Where do you want these blinds?"