Jokes

During the Second World War, German soldiers were ransacking a French village of food, wine, and woman. Everyone fled except for a young man and his 90-year-old grandmother, who refused to be driven out by them. When the German tanks rumbled in, the soldiers cornered the young man.

"Bring us food" they demanded.
"All i have left is a loaf of bread" he replied..
"War is war" said the soldiers, forcing him to hand it over.
Then they shouted "Bring us wine"
"I only have half a bottle left" he replied.
"War is war" insisted the soldiers, grabbing the bottle from him.
Then they shouted "Bring us a woman"
"But there is only one left in the village, have mercy" he replied.
"Bring her now! war is war" demanded the soldiers.
So he fetched his 90-year-old grandmother. The german soldiers took one look at her and said: " Nien, we'll let you off this time."
"No way" said the Granny. War is War"

A farm boy who had just finished his schooling on the farm, was sent by his Ma and Pa to the big city to go to college. The first thing the boy does when he gets to town, is go to find a whorehouse. He goes inside to talk to the madam about getting a girl. She leads him upstairs, opens the door to a room and tells him to sit and wait for the girl to arrive.
After several minutes of anxious waiting, a young, blonde prostitute comes in. The boy is beside himself, and he leaps up from the bed, grabs the television, and throws it out the window. The girl thinks this is odd behavior, but she shrugs it off, and begins to undress. As she strips, the farmboy runs over, grabs the night stand and throws it out the window. Again the girl thinks this is odd, but being an experienced hooker, she figures it's a fetish and continues disrobing. The girl removes her panties, and with that, the farm boy grabs the entire bed and starts lugging it toward the window.
The girl, figuring this is one even she hasn't heard of, finally asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The farm boy replies, "Ah ain't never been with no woman before but, if it's anythin' like fuckin' sheep, we gonna need all the room we can git."

A couple went to an agricultural show one weekend and watched the auction of some prize bulls. The auctioneer announced that the first bull had reproduced 72 times last year.

"Hey" said the wife, prodding her husband. "That's 6 times a month. What a pity you can't match that."

The next bull for auction was revealed to have reproduced 144 times last year. The wife prodded her husband again. "Did you hear that? 12 times a month! He's way out of your league."

The third bull was led around and the auctioneer stated that the animal had reproduced 365 times last year.

The wife elbowed her husband in the ribs. "365 times!" Thats every day of the year. That really puts you to shame."

By now the husband was truely rankled by the jibes. "Sure. Great" he said frostily. "But i bet it wasn't all with the same cow."

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."
POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."
POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

"I got fired today", I told my mate, "for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."

"That's a bit harsh" he replied.

"They don't fuck around at Air Traffic Control", I said.

A shy young country boy is invited to a night-club where all the girls are wearing extremely low-cut outfits. One of the girls comes over to him waddles her tits in his face and says: "I bet you've never seen anything as good as these before.
The boy replies, "Well no, not since i was weaned."


A Yorkshireman orders a headstone for the grave of his dead wife. He asks for a simple inscription saying, "She was thine".
A week later he returns to the stonemason and sees that he's carved
"She was thin!".

"That's no good t'me lad" says the Yorkshireman. "You've left off the E". The stonemason agrees to rectify the problem. A week later the Yorkshireman returns. The stonemason reveals the inscription which now reads "E she was thin."

David Furnish entered a few details into the We Buy Any Car website.
They estimate his Reg to be worth £175 million....


I was late for work this morning, told them I had a back problem.
Problem was I didn't get off it until 8.30...


'Harry Styles named villain of the year'
You can tell you're a proper cunt when you beat a legless woman killer, a North Korean dictator with nukes and countless paedo celebrities to a title like that!!!

Q: What did the bartender say when a priest, a boyscout, and a blonde walked in?
A: Is this a joke?

Q: How are blondes and computers similar?
A: You never appreciate them until they go down on you.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You put her in a round room and tell her to sit in a corner.

Q: How does a blonde confuse you?
A: She comes out and says she did.

Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they were done, they went out to their car, which happened to be an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while.
Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded,
"HURRY, HURRY, IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!"

A man entered a Trappist monastery and was told that once every five years he would be allowed to utter two words.

After the first five years, he was approached by the monsignor and asked what he wished to say. The monk said simply "Bed hard". the monsignor promised to look into the problem.

Five years later, the monk was approached once again by the monsignor for his two words. This time he said "Food cold". Once again the monsignor said he would look into it.

Another five years later, the monk went into the monsignor's office and said "I quit."

The monsignor said: "I'm hardly surprised you're quitting. All you've done over the past fifteen years is complain!"

A pregnant blonde walks into a doctors office to have an ultrasound. The doctor tells her that she is going to have a little girl.

He then asks her what she'll name the baby.

"Jessica" says the blonde. "I have five other daughters, and i named them all Jessica."

"Isn't that a trifle confusing?" replies the doctor."What happens if they're all upstairs and you want to call one of them down?"

"That's easy" replies the blonde. "I'd just call them by their last name."