Jokes

An elderly gentleman goes into a West End Furriers, with a hot babe on his arm and buys her a mink coat costing £20,000.

"Will a cheque be ok?" he asks.

"Certainly sir" says the assistant, "But we'll have to wait a few days for it to clear. Can you come back Monday to take delivery?"

"Of course, no problem" he replies,and walks out with the hot babe.
He returns on Monday to be met by the furious assistant.

"Sir you have a real nerve coming back in here. Your cheque was worthless, you have hardly a penny to your name!"

"Yes, i'm sorry about that, i just came back to apologise-and thank you for the greatest weekend of my life."

My missus left me because she says my dirty talk isn't sexy enough !!
Her loss - because now Mr Happy won't being going to see Foo Foo..


What do you call a woman with a broken shoe?
Lucille...


Two whales walk into a bar. The first one goes to the barman and says,
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooOOooooooooOOOOOOOoOOOoOOo"
The second one turns to the first and says, "shut up Frank, you're drunk."

Q: Where did the sheep get its haircut?
A: The ba-ba shop

What drug was the duck on?
Qwack!

What's the difference between a Northern and a Southern Fairy Tale?

The Norther Fairy Tale begins with "Once upon a time..." The Southern Fairy Tale begins with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

A man is sat on the sofa having a quiet read, when all of a sudden he hears roaring noises coming from the upstairs bedroom.

He dashes upstairs goes into the bedroom, and discovers the roaring is coming from the wardrobe. He opens the door to find a huge lion roaring and growling fiercely.

"What the hell are you doing in there!" says the petrified man.

The lion snarls: "Piss off, it's Narnia business pal."


What do electric train sets and women's breasts have in common?

They're both intended for children, but it's the fathers who play with them.

What do you call a meerkat with acne? Pimples

Whats the difference between a blonde and a pair of sunglasses?
The sunglasses sit higher on your face.


A woman went to see her doctor. When he asked about her complaint she replied that she was suffering from a discharge.

He told her to undress and lie down on the examining table.

The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her private parts. After a few minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"

"Amazing" she replied, "But the discharge is from my ear..."

Three girls named Samantha, Janet and Rebecca were driving through the country, when all of a sudden their car stalls. Samantha remembers seeing a farm a little ways back, so her and Janet walk to the farm, leaving Rebecca guarding the car.
When Samantha and Janet get to the farm, they tell the farmer what happened. The farmer raises a gun to their head and tells them to get a fruit, vegetable, whatever, just get something from the garden. Samantha grabs a turnip, and Janet grabs a single grape. Just as they come back into the farmer's house, Rebecca walks in. He tells Rebecca to do the same as they just did, and Rebecca heads off towards the garden. While she's out in the garden, the farmer tells Samantha and Janet to shove whatever they have up their ass, and who ever laughs, dies. Samantha laughs first, so the farmer shoots her. Then Janet laughs and she gets killed too.
So they are floating out of their bodies, and Janet asks Samantha why she died. Samantha said that the thought of sticking a turnip up your ass was just too funny. Samantha then asked Janet why she laughed, Janet said: "I saw Rebecca coming around the corner with a watermelon!"

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that reads: "Cow For Sale -- $5,000."
He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth $5,000."
The farmer says, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's tail and Harry sees that the cow has a snatch just like a woman.
Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5,000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth sh*t."

A health specialist is giving a talk on well-being in a village hall.
"The best way to start the day is to do ten minutes of light exercise, and five minutes of deep breathing" says the specialist. "Then i feel rosy all over."
A voice from the back shouts, "Tell us more about Rosie!"


A man goes to a psychiatrist. "You've got to help me" says the man.
"I can't stop deep-frying things in batter. I get up in the morning and deep-fry my boiled egg. I've deep-fried all my clothes and shoes. I've even deep-fried and battered my cat! What's wrong with me?"

"It's plainly obvious" replies the psychiatrist. "You're frittering your life away."

A Mexican is being hypnotised by a stage magician in his home town.
Once under the magician says to him:

"You're in the Sahara Desert, it's really hot and you need water" The Mexican begins licking his lips, and wiping his brow.

"Now you're in the North Pole, and it's bitingly cold". The Mexican begins to shiver and tremble.

"Now you're in the USA. You have a good job, a nice house, healthcare..." The Mexican opens one eye and says:

"If you wake me up i'll break your arms."

If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing.

Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe polish?