Jokes

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?


Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.


Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?


Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"


A few practical wedding jokes

Do you already have a child?

During the wedding ceremony, when the minister/preacher/priest comes to the part about, "If anyone has any reason why these two people should not marry, speak up now or forever hold your peace..." have this four-to-six year old boy running up the aisle yelling, "Daddy, daddy." I understand from a friend who played this joke on a relative that it took almost an hour to get the wedding started again.

Impossible to drive away

Jack up the car, put blocks under the axle, then lower the car onto the blocks. When the newlyweds try to make their getaway, watch them rev...and rev...and rev.

My friends kids met the new pope earlier, needless to say they were touched.

"Don't forget it's Steak and Blowjob Day today!" I said to the wife before I left work.

"That's not fair," she moaned. "What do I get out of all this? "....

"A trip to the butchers and a protein shake!"

Dad: " Oi! Stop watching porn! I can hear it downstairs!"
Son: "I'm not watching porn dad, It's Maria Sharapova on the tennis."

There's a new tv show about two detectives who solve crimes over the phone: Star Key and Hash.

Walking home last night i was accosted by a man who drew a knife on me. He used permanent marker, it took ages to bloody wash it off.

Which book teaches animals how to mate?
The Llama-Sutra.

I was having family dinner today.
"How's your love life?" asked my grandfather.
I said, "It's been better. However, last night I did had sex with a girl from the local strip club, and although she was expensive, the anal was absolutely sublime. If only I could remember her name-"
"-Dave!" interrupted my mother, with a frown.
I said, "No, she wasn't called Dave."


Pope Benedict resigned, saying that at 85 he didn't have the strength or energy to carry out his duties.
A few months ago, at 87, Hugh Hefner married his 26 year old girlfriend.
Doesn't say much for a life of celibacy, does it?"

An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were sitting in a hotel lounge. Suddenly the Italian announced:

"I made love to my wife four times last night. This morning she told me how much she loved me."

"Pah!" scoffed the Frenchman. "That is nothing. Last night I made love to my wife six times. This morning she told me I was the world's greatest lover and that she would never go with another man."


The Englishman was quietly reading his paper. The Frenchman turned to him and said smugly: "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once " he replied

"Only once?" snorted the Frenchman. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't Stop"

I finally realized why I'm single. Its because women are intimidated by me.
It's not everyday they get to meet a level 30 Dungeon Master....


The New Pope thinks gay adoption is like child abuse. Since when did the Catholic Church become such experts in child abuse....
Oh wait never mind....


So there I was, wanking myself off, when suddenly I thought
"This prostitute is fucking lazy".

What did Frank Sinatra say when he was asked if he had ever kept wading birds as pets?
"Egrets, I've had a few..."

Admiring his physique in the mirror, a man says: "Look at that 14 stone of pure dynamite." His wife sneers: "Shame about the 2" fuse.

What does Audley Harrison have in common with a five-year-old schoolboy?
They both need picking up round 3.

A young hillbilly always went out to the barn to beat one off and when he was done, he would shoot his load into a rusty old peach can and hide it under the bench.

One day his father caught him and told him: "Son, every time you do that, you are killing a baby."

The next time the boy went to the barn he was about to shoot his load and reached down to grab his can but a little frog had jumped in.

The boy looked in the can, saw the frog and said:
"Son, you're ugly but Daddy loves ya."

Three women were comparing their love lives. The First woman said:
"My husband is an architect. When we make love, it has power, form and function. It's brilliant."

The second woman said: My husband is an artist. When we make love, it has passion, emotion, and vision. It's wonderful."

The third woman said: "My husband works for Microsoft. When we make love, he just sits at the end of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when it gets here."