Jokes

I was reading an article the other day about someone who'd had pioneering heart surgery, and I thought to myself; If doctors can carry out operations just using a pie and an earring, imagine how good they'd be with the proper tools?


Just been watching Skyfall again, 10 minutes in and all I've worked out is that women can't drive, shoot and certainly can't sing...

I couldn't help myself when I saw my ex-wife in church.
"Fucking bitch" I spat, "I'll always hate you and I hope you burn in hell"
As always, her family got involved, but I managed to get one good punch in on her open casket before I was thrown out.

Did you hear about the man who constantly dreamt he had sex with famous movie stars?
He had erotic dreams about Angelina Jolie once a week, but he had Keira Knightly.

As a guy laid in bed half-asleep, he felt a hand reach into his boxer shorts and start playing with his balls. It felt nice but he wasn't in the mood.
"Not tonight" he said.
"It doesn't work like that in here" his cellmate replied.

Why are women like convertibles?
Both are more fun with their tops down.

A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd had that night.

"I was at an auction for penises" she said. "The big ones sold for £1,000 and the tiny ones for £10."

"What about one my size?" asked the husband. "No bids" she replied.

The husband felt crushed and decided to get revenge. So the next morning he told his wife that he'd had a dream too.

"I was at an auction for vaginas" he said. "The really tight ones sold for £1000 and the loose ones for £10."

"What about one like mine?" asked the wife.

"That's where they held the auction."

A man tried to hijack a busload of Japanese tourists.
Luckily the police had 500 photos of the suspect.

The seven qualities for the perfect girlfriend are beautiful, intelligent, gentle, thoughtful, innocent, trustworthy, and sensible - or in short,
B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

A man was on his deathbed, his wife Tina and his sister Marge were grieving at his bedside. Filled with emotion he turned to them and whispered: "Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina."

Women's breasts are like the sun: you can look, but it's dangerous to stare.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

Just seen an absolute bargain on eBay, 12 Harry Potter broomsticks........
and they're only a Quidditch....


Is 'Pussylips' one word, or should I spread them apart?


After he retires from football, Michael Owen has said that he wants to study law.
So that'll be two careers spent sitting on the bench....

Before she died my nan accused me of stealing her copies of "The Mirror Crack'd and "The Body In the Library". I personally thought she'd lost her marples.

When I was a kid, people used to cover me with cream and put cherries on my head. Yes, it was tough growing up in the gateau.

Children are like Farts- your own are just about tolerable but everyone else's are horrendous.

A Tibetan housewife walks into her smoke-filled kitchen and groans:
"Oh, my baking yak!"

I looked out of my window this morning and saw a man stealing my gate. I didn't say anything in case he took a fence.

Signs That You are Too Drunk

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor..

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I'm as sober as a judge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.

The Pope is visiting a town and all the residents are lining the streets hoping for a blessing. The Mayor is sure the Pope will stop and talk to him, but is surprised when the Pope ignores him completely and whispers a few words to a scruffy old tramp on the other side of the road.

"Of course" thinks the Mayor. "The Pope cares more for the poor and homeless, not the rich like me!"

With this thought he dashes over to the tramp, buys his clothes, gets into them, runs to the end of the street and lines up again.

Sure enough the Pope sees the Mayor and walks over to talk to him.
"Hey, stinky" he whispers. "I thought I told you to get lost."