Jokes

Three Morticians were swapping stories in a bar. The first one says:
"What a day I had today. This guy wasn't wearing his seatbelt and his head flew into the windscreen. It took me all day to make the face look natural."

The second mortician said: "You think that's bad? I had this bloke in who got hit by a train while he was riding his bike. Took me two days to put all the pieces back together!"

The third mortician shook his head and said: "You guys had it easy. I had this female parachutist whose chute didn't open, and she landed on a flagpole. It took me all week to wipe the smile off her face."

The ashes of famous general were due to be flown home, but all the airplanes were fully booked. Eventually a helicopter was found to deliver the urn home. Next days newspaper headline read: "The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn."

A man accidently runs over a rabbit in his car. He gets out to see if it is ok, but the rabbit is dead. However his wife has an idea.

She gets a spray can out of her handbag and begins spraying the rabbit. The rabbit suddenly jumps up, waves it's paw at them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves at them again. It keeps doing this till out of sight.

Looking astonished at each other, the husband says to his wife:
"What the hell is in that can?

His wife reads from the can's label, "Hair spray - Restores life. Adds permanent wave."

An American tourist in England asks a police officer: "Can you tell me the way to Bath?
The officer replies: "Well, first you turn on the taps..."

What do you call it when people start throwing rice at each other at an Indian wedding? A Pilau fight.

Part of the alphabet has been destroyed in a terrorist attack. It's not known which letter had anything to do with the atrocity, but early signs suggest G had.

Why did the woman lose her job as a cattle herder?
She couldn't keep her calves together.

A chemist and his friend walk into a bar
The chemist say "I'll have a glass of H2O please"
The barman hands him a glass of water and he drinks it and he's fine
The chemist's friend says "I'll have a glass of H2O too please"
He drank it and died..


One fine day, two Indians and a hillbilly were walking in the forest. All of a sudden, one Indian went up to the mouth of a cave and shouted a loud "Woo, Woo, Woo."
Then There was an answering, 'Woo, Woo, Woo." The Indian tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The hillbilly asked the other Indian, "Hey, what was that all about?" The Indian answered, "It's mating season and it’s our custom to mate in caves. The females stay in the caves, and when the males see a cave, they go to it and shout a Woo, Woo, and Woo. If there is an answer, then that means that there is a female ready to mate." "Oh okay," said the hillbilly, not really understanding the weird Indian customs. A few minutes later, the second Indian ran up to the mouth of a cave and shouted, 'Woo, Woo, Woo." There was an answer to his Woo's so the Indian tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. Feeling alone, the Hillbilly kept walking through the forest. He came to a huge cave, and he thought to himself, 'Hey, that cave is so big, there must be some big, fine, women in there ready to mate.' So, he decided to go up to the mouth of the cave and shout, "Woo, Woo, Woo." There was an answering, "Woo, Woo, Woo," so the hillbilly tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The next morning's paper headline was:
"Naked Hillbilly Killed By Freight Train"

A boy is wandering through a hotel when he hears amorous sounds coming from a room. Curious he opens the door to an unlit room.

"Wow", he says. "It's dark in in here!" A man shouts out: "Clear off and leave us alone!" Startled, the boy shuts the door and runs away.

Later that night the boy passes the hotel laundry room and, again hears sounds of passion coming from inside. He opens the door and says: "Wow. It's dark in here!" Again, a man shouts, "Go away and leave us alone!" The boy slams the door and runs away again.

Next day his mother takes him to his first confession. The boy enters the confessional box and says, "Wow it's dark in here". The priest says "Are you following me around, you little bastard?"

A man is sitting in a bar when a stunningly attractive young woman enters. The man can't take his eyes off her, and noticing his attentive stare she walks over too him.

"I can see your interested" says the woman. "So tell you what, I'll do anything you want me to do for £100. But there's one condition.
"What's That?" stammers the man.

The woman replies: "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words".
"And you'll do absolutely anything i want?" says the man.
"Anything" replies the woman.

The man thinks for a moment, then takes £100 from his wallet, hands it to her, looks in her eyes and says "Paint my House."

Last week I got eczema, diarrhoea, and haemorrhoids - The first time ever I've won a game of Scrabble.

Why wasn't Marie Antoinette coherent after being guillotined?
Because her head was all over the place.

Why did the Seven Dwarfs use Daz?
They wanted their little things to come up snow white.

Judge: "Do you wish to challenge any of the jurors?
Defendant: "I think I can beat that little guy on the end.

I phoned up to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act. The automated voice said: "Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..."

A bloke goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medication the man stammers, "Fucking hell, Doc, what's my problem?"
The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."


I'm holding a charity event for people who can't achieve orgasm.
If you can't come, let me know...


"Andy Murray wins Miami Masters in three sets against David Ferrer"
That'll save you watching Sky Sports News for the next 4 days...

Virus types:

CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, them emails everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted.
TITANIC VIRUS
(A strain of the Lewinsky Virus) Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").
DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy .
PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

The guest of honour at a golf club dinner was about to deliver his speech when his wife, who was sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.

A guest seated next to the speaker said: "You're wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much."

"You don't know my wife!" said the speaker. "The letters stand for "Keep It Short, Stupid."


What happened when the lights were too bright at a Chinese restaurant? - The manager decided to dim sum.