Jokes

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil... Satan: Why so glum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell! Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and colas. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover because you're dead anyway. Guy: Gee, that sounds great! Satan: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it! Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie, you're already dead, remember? Guy: Wow... that's awesome! Satan: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do. Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow. Do you do drugs?? Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean... Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares. Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place! Satan: You gay? Guy: No... Satan: Ooooh You're gonna hate Fridays.

A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day when he comes across a very old bottle. He's just dusting it off when two rather tired looking genies pop out "Two genies!" he exclaims. "That must mean six wishes!" "Sorry, buddy, it's three or nuthin'," say the genies, "and hurry up". The guy makes his three wishes and races off home to see if they've been granted. He gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him. After hours of mad, passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and walks into the living room where he is knee deep in $1000 bills. The guy can hardly believe his luck. Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to open it, when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string him up naked until he is dead. The two then take off their white hoods to reveal that they are, in fact, the two genies, both looking rather puzzled. The first genie turns to the second and says, "I can understand the beautiful woman and all the money in the world, by why on earth would you want to be hung like a black man?"


A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands directly next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating her snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too.

A man walks into a cathedral and says to the rector: "I would like to join this f**king church." The rector is astonished. "I beg your pardon sir...I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Are you deaf? I said I want to join this f**king church!"
"I'm sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building."
"Ok twat face, I want to speak to someone else."

The rector goes into the bishop's study to inform him of the situation. The bishop listens and both return to confront the man.
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" asked the bishop.

"There is no f**king problem" says the man. "I just won five million f**king quid on the f**king lottery and I want to join this f**king church to get rid of some of this f**king money."

"I see" said the bishop, "and this cunt in giving you a hard time?"

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls. So the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

There was a bloke with a didgeridoo on at the club last night and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought that's Abbariginal.

A bloke knocked on his hot neighbours door and said: "Can you have my children? I'll be no longer than 10 minutes.
"Sure" she replied.
"Great! Get your knickers off then."

I was driving through Wales with a friend of mine who is dyslexic. He was studying the road signs, when all of a sudden he shouted:
"F**k me I'm cured."

Teacher: "Now then class, lets do some simple sums. I give you £10 and you take £1. What do I have?"
Little Johnny: "A bank account in Cyprus miss!"

North Korea is like that angry drunk guy at a party.
Everyone is trying to calm him down, but he's convinced he needs to fight someone.

Wife: "Tell me you love me"
Husband: "Give me a f**king chance, I'm only on my 8th can!"

A bloke flops his dick out in front of his doctor and says:
"What do you reckon?"
She has a good look and replies "It's fine."
"Cool" he says, putting it back into his jeans. "I'm here to give up smoking."

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"


So the gap at the top of the premier league is now 12 points.
The only way City have a chance of winning it is if they borrow Carlos Tevez' driving licence...

And Jesus said: "My fathers house has many rooms." Alas thanks to Iain Duncan Smiths Welfare Reforms, he can't afford to live there anymore.

April 2013 Margaret Thatcher dies
May 2013 Hell Privatised

North Korean football fans have been practising their chant for if they make it to the World Cup. "We'll nuke, Well score, We'll eat your Labrador, North Korea, North Korea!."

There will be a new post mortem on the body of Michael Jackson at the request of his family. The doctor has been briefed to determine which was the cause of death:
A: Sunshine
B: Moonlight
C: Good times
D: Boogie.

My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."


A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company,Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

A tourist arrived in Australia,hired a car and set off for the outback.
On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep.
Deeply horrified,he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight scotch.
Just as he was about to throw it back,he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.
"For fuck sake!" the bloke cried,"what the hell is going on here?""I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep,and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!"
"Fair dinkum,mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep."