Jokes

The Seven Dwarfs came home tired from a long hard day's work, and decided to relax in the hot-tub. They put on their swimming trunks, grabbed some beers and hopped in. Soon they started to feel happy.
So Happy left.

An old man was standing outside a supermarket with a collection box reading: "Please help my Dailysex" His wife came up to him and said: "Burt you've misspelled dyslexia again!"

An Essex girl and her boyfriend were spending the evening at home.
Bored, she suggested. "Let's play a game."
"What sort of game?" he said.
"Hide and seek. And I'll tell you what, if you can find me, I'll give you a blow job."
"What if I can't find you?" he asked.
I'll be behind the piano" she replied.

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle)is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "This is your asshole before prison...."


A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning. "Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right. After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me." "Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his ass. He won't even wake up." So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed. After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side. Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you really have to use my asshole as your scoreboard?"

A young couple were spending their honeymoon in Las Vegas. One night they went to a bar and asked the bartender if there was any entertainment. "We certainly have entertainment all right. The Amazing Bernard will be on in any minute."

A few minutes later, a 70 year old man shuffled on stage, set up a card table, and placed three walnuts on it. Then he took out his dick and hammered it down onto the walnuts- Whack! Whack! Whack! cracking all three in half. The crowd went world, and the Amazing Bernard folded up the card table bowed and shuffled off stage.

For their twentieth wedding anniversary the couple returned to the same bar and found the same bartender still serving. They told him how on their last visit they had seen this incredible guy called the Amazing Bernard.

"You're in luck"n said the bartender. "The Amazing Bernard is on tonight. Sure enough a few minutes later the same old man shuffled on stage set up his card table, but this time placed three coconuts on it. Then he took his dick out and hammered it down onto the coconuts- Whack! Whack! Whack! smahing all three coconuts in half.
To rapturous applause he folded the card table and shuffled offstage.

The couple said to the bartender: "He did that twenty years ago when we were here, with walnuts. Now he does it with coconuts!"
The bartender replied apologetically: "Well yes, twenty years ago he did use walnuts. But you have too remember, the Amazing Bernard's eyes aren't what they used to be

I'm really starting to hate those stupid little Russian Dolls.
They're so full of themselves.

My girlfriend is really pissed off with me for using nerdy astronomical puns. I said, "Well at least I'm not lazy. You're always Saturn Uranus eating Galaxy.

Need to build an ark to save two of every creature? I Noah guy.

I bet John Lennon would have loved online transactions.
Imagine all the paypal.

I saw a girl in the distance-she had horizon me.

A man is standing at a urinal when he notices he's being watched by a midget. After a few seconds the midget drags a small stepladder next to the man, climbs it, and proceeds to look at his privates at close range.

"Don't be embarrassed" says the midget. "I'm a doctor and I couldn't help noticing that you have a slight swelling of the testicles. It might be nothing to worry about but would you mind if I examined them?"

The man is taken aback by the request but tells the midget to go ahead. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls and says: "Okay, now hand over your wallet or I jump!"

The earth is rotating at over 1000 miles per hour, however humans don't feel the effect of it.
...Until the ninth or tenth pint....


If you close your eyes and rub a Kiwi fruit in one hand and rub one of your testicles in the other, it's difficult to tell the difference.
It also gets you banned from Asda....


After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says "Annabel before I die I have to tell you something". She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?"
He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health." To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going. When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time. Annabel You've been through everything with me." Bernie says, "So before I die I just want you to know you're a fucking jinx!"

I have duja ve. Its the feeling I have been dyslexic before.

A young woman decided to come out of the closet. Nervously, she decided to approach her mother and found her in the kitchen where she was stirring stew with a wooden spoon.

Plucking up courage, she decided to blurt it out. "Mom I'm Gay!"
The mother carried on stirring the stew without looking up. "You mean lesbian?"
"Uh yeah."
The mother continued stirring. "Does that mean you lick women down below?"
"Well, er, yes."
The mother finally looked up from the pot and waving the spoon at her daughter said: "Then don't ever complain about my cooking ever again!"

What's the difference between a Belieber and Anne Frank?
One's a fanatic and the other's an attic fan....


Dutch company Mars One have had to withdraw all their applications on choosing who to bring on a one way trip to the red planet after receiving 27,000 applications from Justin Beiber....


There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

A man started dating twin anorexics and said "Its great, two birds, one stone".
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