Jokes

There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his cajones (testicles) ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to the doctor see what he could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants the doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Ahhha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip,snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The Doctor then told the midget to pull up his pants see if they still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do Doc?" he asked. The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boot

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."

A farmer lived with a tame bear, but one day the bear had misbehaved so he locked the bear in the barn. That evening a travelling businessman knocked on the door saying his car had broken down. The farmer allowed him to stay in the barn for the night, and pointed out that there wasn't any lighting in there. "And don't worry about the bear, he's tame" he told him.

Half an hour later another businessman knocked on the door looking for shelter, saying his car was stuck in a hedge, after he swerved to avoid a tractor. "You can stay in the barn, there's another businessman in there along with my tame bear, there's no lighting though by the way." said the farmer.

A hour Later a hot brunette broad knocked on the door desperate to stay the night after getting lost. "You can stay in the barn there's two businessmen in there..." "I don't mind sharing with two guys" she said. "It might be kinda fun.". And off she dashed straight to the barn before the farmer had a chance to mention the lighting or the bear.

Two hours later, the woman staggered into the farmhouse, her clothes ripped and torn.
"What the hell happened to you? asked the farmer.
The woman replied: "The first guy gave me $40, the second guy gave me $50, but the tight bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks!"

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, not to mention summer school -- all to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For two hours he toiled away in his room -- with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw the red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No." "Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "No," said the son, "on that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that Guy nailed to the plus (cross) sign, I KNEW they meant business!"

Three guys - a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian - went fishing at a lake. The German took out his dick, dipped it in the water, waited a few moments and told the others: "I can feel the temperature of the water. It's 18 degrees Celsius."

His two companions were amazed. "Let me try" said the Englishman. So he put his Hampton in the water, waited and then announced:
"To be more precise the temperature is 18.4 degrees Celsius."

Then the Nigerian man said: "Let me have a try. so he whipped his knob into the water, waited a moment and said: "I've no idea about the bloody temperature, but the water is 2ft 7in deep!"

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her."

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."


A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks. "Cojones, Senor," the waiter replies. "What are cojones?" the man asks. "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

Little Rebecca had little interest in Sunday School and usually slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping. "Tell me Rebecca" she said. "Who created the universe?"

When Rebecca didn't stir, Peter who was sitting in the chair behind her, jabbed her in the backside with a pin.
"God Almighty!" shouted Rebecca.
"Very good" said the teacher, and Rebecca went back to her dozing.

Twenty minutes later, the teacher again asked Rebecca: "Who is our Lord and Saviour?". Rebecca fast asleep was awakened once again by Peter, jabbing her backside with the pin.
"Jesus Christ" shouted Rebecca.
Well done, that's right" said the teacher, and Rebecca dozed off once again.

Ten minutes later, the teacher asked Rebecca a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty- fifth child?"
Once again Peter jabbed Rebecca with the pin. This time she jumped up and shouted: "If you stick that f**king thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your arse!"
The teacher fainted.

A Scotsman was sitting in a bar in Cuba, minding his own business, when a man with a bushy black beard walked in. The man went up to the bar and ordered a shot of whisky. After knocking it back, he headed for the door.
"Hey" said the bartender. "aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man turned round and replied: "Excuse me, Castro's Army.
"Sorry" said the bartender. "That's fine."
And the man left without having to pay.

A few minutes later another man with a bushy black beard walked in and did exactly as the previous guy. Ordered a shot of whisky, drank it, headed for the door, asked if he was going to pay, turned round and said "Excuse me, Castro's Army, and was allowed to leave with no hassle by the barman.

Having observed all this, the Scotsman had an idea. He walked up to the bar, ordered a whisky and after drinking it, he headed for the door. "Hey" yelled the barman. "Aren't you going to pay for that?"
The Scotsman turned round and said: "Excuse me, Castro's Army"
Where's your bushy black beard?" asked the barman.
Thinking quickly the Scotsman lifted his kilt and said: "Secret Service."