Jokes

A country bumpkin family from Wyoming decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Maw, Paw and their son. They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator. Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered. While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes. The Wyoming redneck family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again. The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful! Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove yer Maw in there!"


A man from Texas and a Wyoming man were driving along when all of a sudden the Texas man slams on the brakes. There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the Texas man said "We Texans never pass up an opportunity like this!" And he gets out and has his way with the sheep. Then he says to the Wyoming man, "Your turn"... And the Wyoming man bends over and sticks his head in the fence.

While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found a huge rock which had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the rock was the following inscription: "If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an end.

Nate wanted to pull the lever too see what would happen., but Sam being a paranoid pessimist, greatly feared this. He said to Nate that if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him. In a daring attempt Nate lunged for the lever, and sure enough, Sam shot him! What is the moral of this story? "Better Nate than Lever!"

A couple on holiday decided to try and spice up their sex live by trying the "Michael Jackson". She took him onto the balcony and tossed him off.

A limbo dancer had his pockets picked. How could anyone stoop so low.

A man chatting up a girl in a bar said: "What part of my body is as long as your thigh, contains over 120 muscles and is an anagram of "pensi" It was only when she pulled his pants down at her apartment 15mins later that he told her the answer was "spine"

What's the difference between a barrow-boy and a dachshund?
One bawls out his wares on the pavement.

Two men were in the pub having a pint when another bloke walked in carrying a big sack. One of the men nudged his friend and said:
"That's the bloke who caught that monster cod." Oi, mate how big was that cod you landed?"
The man with the sack walked over and said:
"Well it was too big to fit on my truck, so I hacked it's head off as proof of it's size."
"You mean that big lump in the sack is it's head?"
"Nah. I couldn't carry the whole head. This is one of it's eyes."

A grandfather and his young grandson were playing a round of golf together. On a severely dog-legged par four, the grandfather said:
"When I was your age, I would aim right over those trees and hit the green every time."

The grandson thought about the comment for a while and decided to give it a try. He hit a perfect drive, but it landed smack in the middle of the fifty-foot trees.

The grandson looked sadly at his grandfather who said:
"Then again, when I was your age, those trees were only seven feet tall."

Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

Q: Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team? A: Cinderella wanted to get to the ball


The government of China announced today, that they would be removing all telephones from their country. After 6 months of hard lobbying, the organization for Independent Speech has convinced Chinese politicians to take this action. They argued that there are too many Wings and Wongs and that many people are becoming annoyed when others Wing the Wong number.

Two old ladies were standing by the giraffe enclosure at the zoo. As a male giraffe stood by the fence, one of the old ladies announced mischievously: "I bet I could squeeze his balls from here."

With that she reached over and squeezed the giraffe's balls real hard.
The giraffe's eyes opened wide and it bolted over the fence, out of the enclosure and ran off into the distance.

The zookeeper came rushing over. "What happened?" he yelled.
"I squeezed the giraffe's balls" replied the old lady.
The keeper said: "Well, you'd better bloody squeeze mine too. I'm going to have to catch the bastard!"

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender. "We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the beer bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers before we get started."


Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.
You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"