Jokes

A Policeman has just stopped a drunk driver and given him a breathalyser test.
"I'm sorry sir" says the policeman. "But this bag tells me you've been drinking too much."
"What a coincidence!" exclaims the driver. "I've got a bag at home that does the exact same thing!"

Some Friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the monks to close down, but they refused. He went back and begged them to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest, most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close.

Hugh beat up the monks and trashed their store, saying he'd be back it they if they didn't close up shop. Absolutely Terrified, they did so. Thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

A young man walks into a bar in Alaska. After a few drinks, he announces to the whole bar that he is proud to be a new Alaskan.
One of the old timers at the bar laughs at him and asks if he gone through the "ritual" yet. The young man asks what the "ritual" entails.

The old timer says: "Well, to be an Alaskan, you have to kill a polar bear and make love to an Eskimo." The young man says he hasn't done either yet, so he and the old timer continue to drink heavily while the old timer answers his questions about the "ritual".

The young man later stands up and teeters out of the bar, completely pissed. About three hours later, he staggers back into the bar, all cut, scratched, and bleeding. He summons up all his strength and shouts out: "Right, where's this bloody Eskimo I have to kill!"

Two dyslexic skier's about to make their first ever descent are stood at the top of a slope. One says to the other: " I can't remember, should we zig zag or zag zig down the slope.?"

The other says: " I can't remember either - let's ask that bloke over there with the sledge." They shuffle over and ask the bloke:
"When you ski down do you zig zag or zag zig?". The man looks at them blankly and says: "Don't ask me, I'm a Tobogganist."
The first skier replies: "Oh really, can I have twenty Rothmans then please?"

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court". The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened". The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK". "Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates". The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must of hurt!" Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers.

A woman was out surfing, when she came across a bottle floating near the edge of the beach. She picked it up, and a blue cloud of smoke shot from the bottle revealing a great genie.

"How terrific" said the woman. "Does this mean that I get three wishes granted? she asked.
"Yes" replied the genie. "But be careful, for whatever you wish, your husband will get ten times greater."

So the woman pondered for a while, and then said: "Make me the best surfer at my break". The genie told her: "You will be the best female surfer at your break, but your husband will be ten times better."

"Ok" she said. "Secondly I would like a million dollars." The genie replied: "Granted, but now your husband has ten million dollars."
"You have one wish left, so use it wisely. The woman replied:
"Give me a slight heart attack."

Vanessa Mae has endured a nip slip wardrobe malfunction, when surprised by strong gusts, while attending an open air classical concert. Rough winds do shake the darling buds of mae.

My mate's a right sex maniac, when he's in a bar or a club, he's like a dodgem car. He circles round, till he finds something to bang.

A guy couldn't stop swearing if he had sex more than three times a day, because everything began to get sore.
Four Fucks Ache!

A man was slipping his hand inside his date's panties, when she stopped him and said: " Hold fire. I just want to be friends."
"Ok" says the man. "You be Rachel, and I'll be Ross."

Paddy is walking down the Blackpool prom one day and he sees a mother breast feeding her baby boy. Paddy stops to speak to the mother. "That's what I like to see natural breast-feeding, I was raised on that" . The young mother tells Paddy to clear off. Paddy continues, "No seriously I was raised on the stuff, look at me, tall, lots of muscles, and really fit, looking at the baby breast feeding takes me back to my childhood", he pauses...., "can I try breast feeding on the other breast". The young mother says again, "Get away with you Paddy". Paddy says convincingly "You've got plenty of breast milk for baby, and he doesn't need the other breast". The young mother looks and Paddy and thinks, well he is good looking, fit and lots of muscle, "Come over here Paddy and you can get on the other breast". Paddy being sucking on the other breast, after five minutes the young woman has become more relaxed and is starting to get aroused ,panting slightly, she lies back and whispers to Paddy "Paddy ..... is there anything else you want ?" Paddy asks "err....have you got any Farleys Rusks"

Christina Aguilera was performing her song "Beautiful" at a gig, when all of a sudden, someone threw a huge dictionary and hit her on the head, knocking her out. Turned out "words can bring her down".

A new bride goes to her Doctor for a checkup.
Lacking knowledge of the male body, she asks him:
"Whats that thing hanging between my husbands legs?"
The Doc replied,
"We call that a penis"
Then she asks, "whats that reddish-purple thing on the end of his penis?"
The Doc replies,
"We call that the head of the penis"
The bride then asks, "what are those two round things about 15 inches from the head of his penis?"
The Doctor retorts, "lady, on him I dont know, but on me-they are the cheeks of my arse"