Jokes

Ted was boring everyone in the bar with his fishing stories: "Did I tell you about the giant mackerel I once caught? I fought it for five hours, and it topped the scales at two hundred pounds."

"That's nothing", replied Frank. "I once caught a ship's lantern that was over two hundred years old. When I hauled it out, I couldn't believe it. The candle was still alight after all that time under water!"

"That's ridiculous" exclaimed Ted, "You can't expect us to believe that."
"I'll tell you what" replied Frank. "You take one hundred and ninety-five pounds off your mackerel and I'll blow out my candle."

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence. He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"

A father walks downstairs and walks in on his son and his girlfriend having sex in the living room.
"Jesus dad" yelled the son. "This is the second time this week you've done this, what's wrong with you."
"Don't give me any lip" snapped the father. "You have your own bedroom, and this is my house. What do you want from me?"
"To put the video camera down dad" the son screamed.

Jesus and St Peter go for a game of golf. St Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. The ball bounces twice and rolls onto the green leaving him a two-foot putt.

Jesus steps up tees off and gives the ball a wicked slice. It flies over the fence, out of bounds, and into traffic on an adjacent street.
The ball bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby conservatory and rolls into the rain gutter.

The ball then falls down the drain spout and rolls onto a lily pad in a garden pond. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in it's mouth.
A kestrel swoops down and grabs the frog. As the kestrel flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. The ball rolls gently into the hole."

St Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. and says "Are you going to play golf? he asks, Or are you just going to f*k around"

Q: Need an ark to save two of every animal? A: I Noah guy.


Q: What kind of fun does a priest have? A: Nun.


Q: How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups? A: Tell her she's pregnant!


Q: What is the definition of suspicion? A: A nun doing squats in a cucumber field.


Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

My friend called me in the early hours crying and sobbing, he was a total wreck. I asked him what was wrong and he explained that he had accidently peed on his girlfriend while having sex with her and now she wasn't talking too him.
"Looks like urine trouble" I replied,

what do u call a nun on a scooter? a virgin mobile

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!!!

How many rappers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to screw it in. The other to "Check it".

My mate has made thousands of pounds from selling the excrement of winged mammal's as good luck charms.
The lucky bats turd.

Somebody set fire to Pippins house from Lord of the rings.
Now that was a burn up for the Tooks.

Wife: "I've just finished the last book in the fifty shades of grey trilogy, what am going to do now!?"
Hubby: Putting the f**king cucumber back, would be a good start!"

I think I just saw Damon Albarn on a motorbike.
Not sure though, as it was a bit of a Blur.